Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Ya'll are just going to have to bear with me for the next few days (weeks?) as I process some feelings and deal with these issues. Again, I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a downer, I'll try to snap out of this but it does help to write it all out, and to get other perspectives.

Ok, so last night I was venting to a good friend, telling her how I was lonely, restless, etc., all the stuff I write here. Knowing me as well as she does, she listened and nodded and then asked me, But WHY are you like that? I don't know, something snapped in me and I got angry..not at her per se, but at the question. I replied that after 16 years of off & on therapy, endless self-help books, spiritual guidance..blah..blah..blah...I probably know why I am a certain way, but I hadn't changed every part of me and damn it! I am not going to! I am nearly 43 years old and it's unlikely that the very core parts of me are going to take major turnarounds. This is who I am, and you know what? Despite the imperfections, I am ok! I'm a good person, a good friend, loving mom and partner, work hard, play hard, care for my family & friends and the community. Isn't that good enough? Sure, I'd like to be a thinner, wiser, better citizen..etc..etc..but I am not going to spend another penny on therapy or another moment making myself sick over this stuff. I've never been one to hide behind a towel at the beach or wear big clothes to camoflauge my size, and I don't hide my personality anymore either. Maybe I'm too much, too loud, too excited, too theatrical..I've been called all of those things..but that's part of my charm, part of what makes me ME! And that is certainly freakin' good enough! MORE than enough as a matter of fact.

Today I was sharing some of this with Kali and I told her this: I am 43 years old, I have spent countless years trying to be a good girl, do the right thing, work on myself, this point, F**K the self-improvement! I'm done with all of that, now I just want to have some fun and enjoy whatever life has to offer! Enough of the self-improvement, how about some self-acceptance?! Kali listened and got quiet and I got nervous and then she said the most wonderful words you could ever hear from your child: I am so proud of you. What more could I possibly want? I love you, Kali.


Aisling said...

Well, I love you just the way you are. I know we'll all change through the years, but I don't want you to change out of the amazing lady I like so much! So, I like the idea of self-acceptance. Yay, you! hugs!

Anonymous said...

Oooooooo! What a GREAT photo! Happy and by the Sea -- the beautiful Sea! The very epitome of Summer herself! Love the idea of acknowledging the Great Balance -- enjoying the moment -- and accepting the future.

Jan x at Rosemary Cottage who adores the Sea

Anonymous said...

Look how sexy and beautiful you look in that photo!....and happy, too!!!!


Jojo said...

Wow...what growth!! Leaps and bounds! learning to say "this is me, take it or leave it" is a relief! Brave beautiful picture! You look full of life and happy!!
Hugs my brave friend!! jojo

Rapunzel said...

Aisling, thank you so much, my friend! I think you're pretty darn amazing, too! :-)

Jan, thank you! This photo was taken last March in Bimini, Bahamas. *sigh* I looong to go back was the best vacation of my life. We loved it so much that Beren and I are strongly considering buying a house there.

*blush* Thank you, Catherine! I was feeling pretty sexy that day. ;-)

Thank you, JoJo! That whole vacation I felt really free and sexy and just...luscious! ;-) Gotta hang onto those moments in real life, too, right?

Julie said...

I am a person who is obcessed with her weight...but over time I have come to discover something. My friends are of all sizes and I never see that in them... In other words - I don't look at one as being fat and another for being skinny. I know them for their great humor or as the good listener and advise giver..etc. I do want all of my friends to be healthy and I do see a coorilation between good health and mental happiness. If I could only stop obcessing over myself, I would be more relaxed.

PS - I have been dubbed as being loud too!

the domestic minx said...

And you are BEAUTIFUL!!!


Anonymous said...

Sometimes we just try too hard don't we? I love what you said - why must we self-improve continually? Sometimes it makes things much too hard, doesn't it? I'm with Aisling - I love you just the way you are. What a great photo!

Rapunzel said...

Thank you, my dear friends, I love you for accepting me just as I am!


~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

It's a good indication that you don't need anymore self improvement when you've spent countless hours and dollars and still have nothing to show for it. And that's a good thing. :) Means you are who you are and that's that. Congratulations on realizing this.