Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Ya'll are just going to have to bear with me for the next few days (weeks?) as I process some feelings and deal with these issues. Again, I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a downer, I'll try to snap out of this but it does help to write it all out, and to get other perspectives.
Ok, so last night I was venting to a good friend, telling her how I was lonely, restless, etc., all the stuff I write here. Knowing me as well as she does, she listened and nodded and then asked me, But WHY are you like that? I don't know, something snapped in me and I got angry..not at her per se, but at the question. I replied that after 16 years of off & on therapy, endless self-help books, spiritual guidance..blah..blah..blah...I probably know why I am a certain way, but I hadn't changed every part of me and damn it! I am not going to! I am nearly 43 years old and it's unlikely that the very core parts of me are going to take major turnarounds. This is who I am, and you know what? Despite the imperfections, I am ok! I'm a good person, a good friend, loving mom and partner, work hard, play hard, care for my family & friends and the community. Isn't that good enough? Sure, I'd like to be a thinner, wiser, better citizen..etc..etc..but I am not going to spend another penny on therapy or another moment making myself sick over this stuff. I've never been one to hide behind a towel at the beach or wear big clothes to camoflauge my size, and I don't hide my personality anymore either. Maybe I'm too much, too loud, too excited, too theatrical..I've been called all of those things..but that's part of my charm, part of what makes me ME! And that is certainly freakin' good enough! MORE than enough as a matter of fact.
Today I was sharing some of this with Kali and I told her this: I am 43 years old, I have spent countless years trying to be a good girl, do the right thing, work on myself, blah..blah..blah...at this point, F**K the self-improvement! I'm done with all of that, now I just want to have some fun and enjoy whatever life has to offer! Enough of the self-improvement, how about some self-acceptance?! Kali listened and got quiet and I got nervous and then she said the most wonderful words you could ever hear from your child: I am so proud of you. What more could I possibly want? I love you, Kali.