Monday, July 21, 2008
Wolf at the Door
Now, you know that I love wolves and certainly wouldn't mind one showing up on my doorstep, but there's no other expression that applies. For as long as I can remember I have suffered depression, years before I knew there was a term for it or that I could do something about it. I tried therapy and various medications, and they worked for a time, but the monster was, and is, always there, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce at any given moment. This usually happens when I'm exhausted, worn down, stressed out. It preys on my weakness, snatches me up and carries me away when I'm too exhausted to fight it. Like now.
I've been trying hard to stay strong, resisting the urge to give in to the demons that call me, refusing to pull the shades in my bedroom and retreat to the comfort of my cool white sheets. But it's so hard. Just too hard. I can't bear to go to Mom's another day, watching her struggle to breathe, to walk, to eat. I am not strong enough to sit with her and smile and make mindless chitchat while looking into her distant eyes, trying not to notice her thinning hair and skeletal frame. It's devastating, it's wrenching, it's just too much to ask anyone to bear. No one should go though this - not me, not my children, not my father, and certainly, most importantly, not my Mother.
There are days when I am positive and upbeat, expecting the very best and believing that somehow all will be well. Then there are those when I'm furious, when I rant and wail and curse the gods or whomever allowed this insidious disease to exist. Those are the good days, actually, the ones where if nothing else I feel alive, I feel some emotion at all. Then there are days like today, when all is bleak and black and the only thing I feel is quiet desperation. These are the days when I hear the wolf scratching at the door, howling, teeth bared..these are the days when I want to give in and just go with him down into those familiar dark places of my soul. Because surely the nothingness of depression must better than this.