Monday, July 21, 2008

Wolf at the Door


Now, you know that I love wolves and certainly wouldn't mind one showing up on my doorstep, but there's no other expression that applies. For as long as I can remember I have suffered depression, years before I knew there was a term for it or that I could do something about it. I tried therapy and various medications, and they worked for a time, but the monster was, and is, always there, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce at any given moment. This usually happens when I'm exhausted, worn down, stressed out. It preys on my weakness, snatches me up and carries me away when I'm too exhausted to fight it. Like now.

I've been trying hard to stay strong, resisting the urge to give in to the demons that call me, refusing to pull the shades in my bedroom and retreat to the comfort of my cool white sheets. But it's so hard. Just too hard. I can't bear to go to Mom's another day, watching her struggle to breathe, to walk, to eat. I am not strong enough to sit with her and smile and make mindless chitchat while looking into her distant eyes, trying not to notice her thinning hair and skeletal frame. It's devastating, it's wrenching, it's just too much to ask anyone to bear. No one should go though this - not me, not my children, not my father, and certainly, most importantly, not my Mother.

There are days when I am positive and upbeat, expecting the very best and believing that somehow all will be well. Then there are those when I'm furious, when I rant and wail and curse the gods or whomever allowed this insidious disease to exist. Those are the good days, actually, the ones where if nothing else I feel alive, I feel some emotion at all. Then there are days like today, when all is bleak and black and the only thing I feel is quiet desperation. These are the days when I hear the wolf scratching at the door, howling, teeth bared..these are the days when I want to give in and just go with him down into those familiar dark places of my soul. Because surely the nothingness of depression must better than this.

11 comments:

Teacats said...

Exactly -- and you are most certainly allowed to howl at all of the cruelty that this disease (in all of its manisfestations) brings to the "loved ones" Watching any loved one change and suffer is so very very hard -- especially when there is so little that we can really do! Sometimes we do need to take a bit of time to stand back -- and breathe so we can regain our psychic balance -- and then step back into the breach.

We are with you dearest!

Jan at Rosemary Cottage

Susan said...

Hey, M ~

My heart wrenched reading your post - oh, how I wish I could make it all better...

I can also most totally empathize and, honestly, I don't know what's worse - your situation of witnessing your mom's decline day to day... or mine of experiencing my mother's health situation long-distance (feeling oh so helpless)...

I believe in embracing the good with the bad - they're all part of the plan (easier said than done, I know). Sometimes there's nothing like a good wallow... in order to allow oneself to get back up and focus - Phyllis is so lucky to have your loving heart, your nurturing soul and your embracing arms close by...

She needs you and you can do this - just make sure you find serene time and space for yourself, even if only for a few moments at a time...

Much love always - I care... <3

Chandra said...

This post made me sad and they only thing I can think to do is hug you. Please just know that there are people there for you and where some of us don't understand exactly what you are going through, we can listen.

Have you tried going to an online support group where you can chat and get support through your Mom's illness?

Don't give in to the wolves just yet. I'm just starting to get to know you...

{{{GREAT BIG HUGS}}}

The Vintage Housewife... said...

OOOH SWEET DARLIN RAPUNZEL...

I JUST WANNA CRY & HUG THE LIL' DICKENS' OUTA' YA! SWEET DOLL.. YOU RANT... YOU RAVE AND THEN YOU PRAY!

MY DARLIN' FRIEND I HAVE JUST GOTTEN TO LOVE YA SWEET DOLL! AND I PAINS ME TO HEAR OF YOUR PAIN! I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM PRAYING FOR YOU SWEET THING!I ONLY KNOW OF ONE TRUE PIECE...AND THAT IS MY ROCKEN' DADDY-O GOD! AND GIRL HE LOVES YOU SOOO MUCH KITTEN!

IF YOU EVER NEED PRAYER OR JUST GIRLY' CHIT CHAT OR TO YELP & YELL THIS KITTEN WOULD LOVE TO JUST DO IT WITH YOU GIRL...EMAIL ME!!! WITH LOTS OF LOVE CAT~

Rapunzel said...

Sincere thanks and big hugs to all of you..I so appreciate being able to vent and reveal the dark & uglies without fear.

kim said...

I saw this picture and thought "How neat, I love it!" But now that I know why you used it, it has a whole new meaning.

I wish I was there to just sit with you and hold or hand or give you a shoulder to cry on.

I wish I could say something to make it all go away.

linda said...

I hear your every word, knowing the beast intimately....you are in a very hard place, with many needing you and I am not going to say to pray and trust god..I read you take no meds and that is what I must do for this, I also use meds for stress and anxiety and don't know what I would do without any of them, tho, like you, hate them! self-nurturing YOU is a must as without you, you have nothing, so darling, try to get some rest, some time alone, a long hot bath, chocolate, someone to talk to like a therapist if possible who is not in the family so you can rant as long as you want...think about a med that might take off the edge of this place you walk right now...there's no harm in that and you can always stop it when you want to...I don't know you well enough to even know who supports you in time of need but I will bet there is someone with open arms...cry and beat his/her chest until you can cry no more...the brain can only do-think-feel one thing at a time and crying is only going to last so long as all things, including emotions, are temporary...rest in that knowledge, if you can...I am here and I hear you.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

It's ok. Here is the safe place to vent and let out those feelings. People here really care. Let the wolf scratch at the door, but don't you let him in for I too know where he leads and I refuse to give in to him. I'm just that stubborn!
I worry a lot more about my family than I do myself cause I know how hard it is for them. Life throws out some pretty hard things to handle, this I can testify to but I also know how much love is in that heart of yours and it will get you through, and your strength will amaze you.
So...let him scratch while you rest up a bit and soon he'll go away. And you can face a new day and all it brings.

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

Just stopping in again, early this morning, I've had you on my mind all night. Just wanted to let you know I care, that's all.

Rapunzel said...

I am in complete awe, feel as if I'm enclosed in a big warm hug from all of you. Thank you so very much.

Lady Laurie said...

I am so sorry you go through this and how heart wrenching it must be. Depression is such a misunderstood disease.
Sending you hugs))