Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A New Day


After the funeral, when all of the guests had left Dad's house, when the dishes were done, leftovers put away, flowers arranged, kids settled in at home..I packed an overnight bag and climbed into Beren's car. I pulled a blanket around me and fell fast asleep for about an hour, waking up just before arriving at our destination. We checked into a gorgeous hotel, ate a quiet dinner, toasted Mom with her favorite drink and then climbed into bed. I was asleep by 9:30, totally worn out from the past days & weeks of impossible decisions, constant fear & worry and, eventually, overwhelming sadness.

I awoke this morning to the sound of the waves crashing on the sand, breeze whipping through the palm trees, fresh coffee and leftover Italian cookies for breakfast. My friend Jersey told me to awaken slowly today, that it was likely to be a rough morning, so I followed her advice. I kissed Beren goodbye as he headed off to his meeting, grabbed my phone and proceeded to do what I've done every single morning for as long as I can remember: Call My Mother. Of course she didn't answer, of course Dad picked up the phone and we shared a stilted brief conversation about his plans for the day, and mine. No gossip, no chit chat, no girlfriend-like giggles, no Mom. So I called my daughters. And Jersey called me. And I emailed several friends, logged onto Facebook, took a nap, puttered. Made the best of the alone time, allowed myself to cry without worrying about what others would think. Looked at her pictures. Missed Her. Talked to Her. Poured a glass of wine despite the fact that it's barely noon. Let the sadness wash over me some more.



And now, I'm going to put on my brightest pink dress, make-up and the best smile I can muster. Go downstairs, treat myself to a fabulous lunch, a walk on the beach and a fresh new magazine. In a few hours Beren will pick me up and we'll head home at which point I'll need to figure out what to do from here, how to live my life without my mother. Nothing will ever again be the same, my life is forever changed, but no matter what happens the sun keeps shining, the tides keep moving, we wake up each morning, Goddess willing, to greet a New Day. I intend to make the most of it, each and every one. After all, it's what she would have wanted.

10 comments:

Granny Two Shoes said...

What a delightful blog!

Sorrow said...

What a wonderful mother you must have had.How loving, how caring and nurturing. To have given you such a strong sense of self, a deep well of compassion, and a connection to her, that stays strong beyond the veil.
When next you toast her, thank her from me, You are a rare gem, and reading your words here, has brought me a deep sense of joy, and gratitude, for Moms like yours.

Aisling said...

Aw, Sweetie... What a nearly-impossible thing to do; pick up and go on without someone who means so much to you. And, yet we do the "nearly-impossible" many times in our lives. We're made that way somehow. I'm really proud of your shining spirit, and I know your Mom is too.

love and hugs,
Aisling

jan said...

I've been thinking on you and sending you all of my most warm and positive energies.

linda said...

as the saying goes, "one day at a time" ...it is good to see you again...you are in my prayers...

XO

kim said...

Sending hugs and tears your way.
XOXO

Susan said...

Hey, M ~

I've loved seeing these photos of a younger Phyllis - I truly notice the resemblance between you (so beautiful... :-)

Glad you were able to sneak away for a bit to lessen the sensory overload somewhat - reality *does* beckon... and you *will* never be the same... but I respect your attitude of embracing each new day, as your mom would wish you to do...

Much love - stay strong when you can... and fall apart when you need to... <3

Cynthia said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. I think losing a mother is like removing a physical part of your body; you ache and you continue. It's solice that you have a daughter (s?) to share life with...my own blog post at Oasis was about this same topic...only my own mother died many years ago. May your days of grief be short and may you begin the celebration of her life soon. <3

kerrdelune said...

There is no easy way through this, and my heart goes out to you. To lose one's mother is a truly terrible thing.

It was lovely however, to read your words and see so perfectly illustrated, the beautiful loving bond between you and your mom. You had something truly loving, special and timeless.

Helena said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I just read the last two posts and they almost made me cry even though I didn't know your mother.

She looks so beautiful in that picture above. :-) I believe that no one really dies, they just leave their physical body. But still it's very sad because all you have is your memories from then on.

I don't know what to say. I've never lost anyone so close. My own mom is visiting us right now and even though I don't always get along with her I would miss her enormously if she went away.