Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A New Day
After the funeral, when all of the guests had left Dad's house, when the dishes were done, leftovers put away, flowers arranged, kids settled in at home..I packed an overnight bag and climbed into Beren's car. I pulled a blanket around me and fell fast asleep for about an hour, waking up just before arriving at our destination. We checked into a gorgeous hotel, ate a quiet dinner, toasted Mom with her favorite drink and then climbed into bed. I was asleep by 9:30, totally worn out from the past days & weeks of impossible decisions, constant fear & worry and, eventually, overwhelming sadness.
I awoke this morning to the sound of the waves crashing on the sand, breeze whipping through the palm trees, fresh coffee and leftover Italian cookies for breakfast. My friend Jersey told me to awaken slowly today, that it was likely to be a rough morning, so I followed her advice. I kissed Beren goodbye as he headed off to his meeting, grabbed my phone and proceeded to do what I've done every single morning for as long as I can remember: Call My Mother. Of course she didn't answer, of course Dad picked up the phone and we shared a stilted brief conversation about his plans for the day, and mine. No gossip, no chit chat, no girlfriend-like giggles, no Mom. So I called my daughters. And Jersey called me. And I emailed several friends, logged onto Facebook, took a nap, puttered. Made the best of the alone time, allowed myself to cry without worrying about what others would think. Looked at her pictures. Missed Her. Talked to Her. Poured a glass of wine despite the fact that it's barely noon. Let the sadness wash over me some more.
And now, I'm going to put on my brightest pink dress, make-up and the best smile I can muster. Go downstairs, treat myself to a fabulous lunch, a walk on the beach and a fresh new magazine. In a few hours Beren will pick me up and we'll head home at which point I'll need to figure out what to do from here, how to live my life without my mother. Nothing will ever again be the same, my life is forever changed, but no matter what happens the sun keeps shining, the tides keep moving, we wake up each morning, Goddess willing, to greet a New Day. I intend to make the most of it, each and every one. After all, it's what she would have wanted.