Monday, August 10, 2009

Hot Line to Heaven


Hello, Mom? How are things there in heaven? As fabulous as they say? I sure hope so 'cause things aren't so great down here. You see, I miss you, more than I could have possibly imagined. I still wake up every day reaching for the phone to call you like I always did, still dream of you almost every night. It's been 6 months now and there's this expectation that I should have "gotten over it" a bit, should have healed and gone back to "regular life." Well, I haven't healed and I don't know what life is supposed to look like without you. I mean, you were just always there, since the moment I took my first breath until you took your last. No matter what time of day or night, no matter if we'd been arguing, no matter if you were across the ocean or down the street. You just were. And, yeah, people keep saying that you still are..there, I mean...but those remarks just infuriate me all the more! You're not here, I can't see you, take you to lunch or breakfast or shopping. You're not at the birthday parties or family barbecues, not here to share the celebrations or sorrows. No more rum punch, fruit salad, pecan cake..no more embroidered tank tops or dish towels. No more YOU. And I just don't know what to do about it, how I'm supposed to function without you.

What do you I do about Dad, Mom? Do I call, do I wait? Do I forgive and forget? Do I shove past my feelings of disloyalty to you and meet this other woman? Or do I rant and rave at him again, try to make him see my side of this?

I am so confused, and so lost...I need direction, I need your strength, your support. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders now, there's no one to call when things get hard, when I don't know where to turn. It's just scary here without you, no matter that I'm nearly 45 years old, I still need my Mom.

So, Mom, if you have a minute, can you just give me a call? Send me a sign..something, anything to let me know you're still there, you're still watching over me and that everything is fine, everything is under control...maybe let me know that I'm doing ok, you're still proud of me...that you're not really gone, that I'm going to see you again someday..

Thanks, Mom, for listening..as always...I love you...

Your Daughter,

11 comments:

Anita said...

I wish I had some consolation to offer. But I *am* thinking about you in your sorrow, and sending wishes for strength and wisdom for you. Sometimes life just isn't easy . . .

Debra said...

You make me want to foster a better relationship with my mother while she's still here.

Rapunzel said...

Anita, thank you so much for your kind words..it really means so much to me!

Rapunzel said...

Debra, from what I've seen, most mother/daughter relationships are complicated to say the least, including mine with my mother, and certainly mine with my own daughters. We just do the best we can, that's all. I do wish I'd spent a little bit more time with her but I also realize that there were reasons for the way things were, and relationships go both ways. xoxoxo

jan said...

Rapunzel- I realize that I don't know you very well- only from our brief exchanges here in bloggyville- but through your posts I've come to care for you a great deal. I have no words of wisdom, just know that I feel for you and your loss and for the trying time that you're experiencing.

jaz said...

wow.....i could have written this same thing except i would have been 9 years old!

Rapunzel said...

Jaz, I am so sorry...what a horrible loss for you at such a young age!

King of New York Hacks said...

Sending you consoling honks from Times Square NYC !! I just posted about my mom's passing too, I speak to her as well. they are looking after us always . Remember that.

Rapunzel said...

King of NY, thank you for stopping by my blog and for your kind words. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom as well.

Jen Harper said...

Your Hot Line to Heaven was so touching it brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine losing someone that close to me--I dread the day that I ever do. All I can offer is my friendship to you anytime you feel that you need someone to call. I know it will never be the same and there is nothing any of us can do about that. So sorry for your loss. I know it must still be so difficult.

Love you bunches.
Jen

Rapunzel said...

Jen, thank you so much; your kindness & support means so much!