Monday, August 10, 2009
Hot Line to Heaven
Hello, Mom? How are things there in heaven? As fabulous as they say? I sure hope so 'cause things aren't so great down here. You see, I miss you, more than I could have possibly imagined. I still wake up every day reaching for the phone to call you like I always did, still dream of you almost every night. It's been 6 months now and there's this expectation that I should have "gotten over it" a bit, should have healed and gone back to "regular life." Well, I haven't healed and I don't know what life is supposed to look like without you. I mean, you were just always there, since the moment I took my first breath until you took your last. No matter what time of day or night, no matter if we'd been arguing, no matter if you were across the ocean or down the street. You just were. And, yeah, people keep saying that you still are..there, I mean...but those remarks just infuriate me all the more! You're not here, I can't see you, take you to lunch or breakfast or shopping. You're not at the birthday parties or family barbecues, not here to share the celebrations or sorrows. No more rum punch, fruit salad, pecan cake..no more embroidered tank tops or dish towels. No more YOU. And I just don't know what to do about it, how I'm supposed to function without you.
What do you I do about Dad, Mom? Do I call, do I wait? Do I forgive and forget? Do I shove past my feelings of disloyalty to you and meet this other woman? Or do I rant and rave at him again, try to make him see my side of this?
I am so confused, and so lost...I need direction, I need your strength, your support. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders now, there's no one to call when things get hard, when I don't know where to turn. It's just scary here without you, no matter that I'm nearly 45 years old, I still need my Mom.
So, Mom, if you have a minute, can you just give me a call? Send me a sign..something, anything to let me know you're still there, you're still watching over me and that everything is fine, everything is under control...maybe let me know that I'm doing ok, you're still proud of me...that you're not really gone, that I'm going to see you again someday..
Thanks, Mom, for listening..as always...I love you...