Confession: I'm not in a good place. As I touched on in my last post, I'm really having hard time. Emotionally. Mentally. And yes, I guess physically because they're all connected, right? I'm not sleeping well, waking up multiple times a night and then exhausted all day. My appetite is off, forgetting to eat and then forcing myself to choke down healthy meals instead of the comfort food I'm really craving. My mind is cluttered, my brain foggy. It's all I can do to get through the minimal chores to maintain the house, and the only real peace I feel is the 90 minutes I spent each morning walking the beach. I know I need help, that it's time to call in a therapist, because I know my anxiety and depression and how it can spiral really quickly. I've promised my family I'll make that call, but for now, I'm trying to process and figure out what's going on, why I'm struggling so. Here's what I've come up with so far..
I'm scared. I'm angry. I feel vulnerable. I am literally afraid to leave my house, and not just because of Covid. When I look deep inside my heart, I realize I'm also afraid of "them," the "others," the non-mask-wearing-confederate-flag-wearing-Trump-supporting-antiBLM-progun people who make up the majority of my town. I feel ok at home, safe inside my house with Rachel Maddow and Trevor Noah and NPR feeding me the news, two Biden signs and flag displayed on our property. I'm comfortable when I only talk to my like-minded friends & family, bemoaning the state of the country, collectively hoping & praying for change and seeking ways we can make a difference. But, it only takes a few steps from my front door to feel differently. One can't avoid the giant Trump flags on the millionaire's concrete walls, the multiple signs dotting the neighbors' lawns. It's obvious that we don't share the same political opinions, but it's more than that. Because to believe in him, to still actively support him, means so much more than Democrat vs Republican. What it means, to me, is that we don't share the same core beliefs or values. A vote for him is a vote for children in cages, for fewer rights for my LGBTQ community. Supporting him means that you don't support a woman's right to choose, no only whether or not to give birth but even for who can touch her body without her permission. By placing that sign in your yard you are in fact stating that you don't mind that the President of the United States sexually abused women. That he proudly boasts of his predatory habits, that he grabs women by the pussy and kisses them whether they like it or not. That he has had multiple affairs and has paid hush money to keep those women quiet. On and on and on it goes, one horrible misdeed after another to the point where we aren't even shocked anymore because nothing he does surprises us. Anything is possible with this man. Yet for his base, nothing he has done is vile enough to turn them against him, and that absolutely blows my mind! I understand towing the party line, I truly do. I was raised by Republican parents, my father used his last vote on earth to mark the circle next to Donald's name because, as he said with a shrug, "Who else do we have? He's our guy." No amount of discussion could change his mind, and it literally made me sick to put that ballot in the mailbox. So, I get it, those who have always voted Republican for one reason or another, but this time is different. This isn't normal. This election has more at stake that any other time in our nation's history. I don't think it's an exaggeration to state that this time it's a matter of life and death.
When I go outside and I see the signs, or people blatantly ignoring the CDC's mask guidelines because it's only suggested and not mandatory in my city, I cringe, and then I seethe. I, who am open minded, so accepting of others beliefs, who embraces differences and tries my best to learn and grow from them, simply can't tolerate this. I have tried. I have made so many attempts to find common ground, see the good in people, but I can't do it. I just can't. This past election, this president, has created so much dissention that what started out as a line in the sand grew to a crater, and now it's so deep and so wide that I can't form a bridge across it. Indeed, I want to build a moat round my castle, bring in only the people who believe and feel as strongly as I do. We could brainstorm together, commiserate, weep and console each other with good food and hot tea and comfort. When one of us grows too weary to hold onto hope, our sisters and brothers will shore us up, remind us to fight the good fight, assure us that we aren't alone and that in the end goodness and truth will prevail. I desperately need to believe this right now, don't you?
So, who's with me? I'll put the kettle on, you bring the biscuits. See you soon.
Rapunzel~
