Reflections

 Confession: I'm not in a good place. As I touched on in my last post, I'm really having hard time. Emotionally. Mentally. And yes, I guess physically because they're all connected, right? I'm not sleeping well, waking up multiple times a night and then exhausted all day. My appetite is off, forgetting to eat and then forcing myself to choke down healthy meals instead of the comfort food I'm really craving. My mind is cluttered, my brain foggy. It's all I can do to get through the minimal chores to maintain the house, and the only real peace I feel is the 90 minutes I spent each morning walking the beach. I know I need help, that it's time to call in a therapist, because I know my anxiety and depression and how it can spiral really quickly. I've promised my family I'll make that call, but for now, I'm trying to process and figure out what's going on, why I'm struggling so. Here's what I've come up with so far..

I'm scared. I'm angry. I feel vulnerable. I am literally afraid to leave my house, and not just because of Covid. When I look deep inside my heart, I realize I'm also afraid of "them," the "others," the non-mask-wearing-confederate-flag-wearing-Trump-supporting-antiBLM-progun people who make up the majority of my town. I feel ok at home, safe inside my house with Rachel Maddow and Trevor Noah and NPR feeding me the news, two Biden signs and flag displayed on our property. I'm comfortable when I only talk to my like-minded friends & family, bemoaning the state of the country, collectively hoping & praying for change and seeking ways we can make a difference. But, it only takes a few steps from my front door to feel differently. One can't avoid the giant Trump flags on the millionaire's concrete walls, the multiple signs dotting the neighbors' lawns. It's obvious that we don't share the same political opinions, but it's more than that. Because to believe in him, to still actively support him, means so much more than Democrat vs Republican. What it means, to me, is that we don't share the same core beliefs or values. A vote for him is a vote for children in cages, for fewer rights for my LGBTQ community. Supporting him means that you don't support a woman's right to choose, no only whether or not to give birth but even for who can touch her body without her permission. By placing that sign in your yard you are in fact stating that you don't mind that the President of the United States sexually abused women. That he proudly boasts of his predatory habits, that he grabs women by the pussy and kisses them whether they like it or not. That he has had multiple affairs and has paid hush money to keep those women quiet. On and on and on it goes, one horrible misdeed after another to the point where we aren't even shocked anymore because nothing he does surprises us. Anything is possible with this man. Yet for his base, nothing he has done is vile enough to turn them against him, and that absolutely blows my mind! I understand towing the party line, I truly do. I was raised by Republican parents, my father used his last vote on earth to mark the circle next to Donald's name because, as he said with a shrug, "Who else do we have? He's our guy." No amount of discussion could change his mind, and it literally made me sick to put that ballot in the mailbox. So, I get it, those who have always voted Republican for one reason or another, but this time is different. This isn't normal. This election has more at stake that any other time in our nation's history. I don't think it's an exaggeration to state that this time it's a matter of life and death. 

When I go outside and I see the signs, or people blatantly ignoring the CDC's mask guidelines because it's only suggested and not mandatory in my city, I cringe, and then I seethe. I, who am open minded, so accepting of others beliefs, who embraces differences and tries my best to learn and grow from them, simply can't tolerate this. I have tried. I have made so many attempts to find common ground, see the good in people, but I can't do it. I just can't. This past election, this president, has created so much dissention that what started out as a line in the sand grew to a crater, and now it's so deep and so wide that I can't form a bridge across it. Indeed, I want to build a moat round my castle, bring in only the people who believe and feel as strongly as I do. We could brainstorm together, commiserate, weep and console each other with good food and hot tea and comfort. When one of us grows too weary to hold onto hope, our sisters and brothers will shore us up, remind us to fight the good fight, assure us that we aren't alone and that in the end goodness and truth will prevail. I desperately need to believe this right now, don't you? 

So, who's with me? I'll put the kettle on, you bring the biscuits. See you soon.

Rapunzel~

A New Day

Eight years have passed since my last post, and wow has a lot changed! I won't attempt to catch up on everything, just jumping in where I am now, and the stories will unfold as they see fit to do. I'm not even sure why I'm writing here again as blogging has become a bit passé, no? It seems to have been replaced with various other social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, to name a few) it seems unnecessary and perhaps even redundant to also blog about one's life. Yet, here I am, doing just that. And it appears I'm not alone, I see other friends return to this format or to other ways they have expressed themselves in the past. One friend is blogging after a long absence. My daughter has created a virtual zine. Maybe it's nostalgia, a yearning for a simpler time, or the general trend toward less clutter, busy-ness, which for some of us includes idle screen time. Or, maybe it's the pandemic. Maybe we want to memorialize this, this insane moment in history, one which will be discussed, debated, dissected by generations to come. Maybe we want to leave our marks in some way, tell our stories in our own voices. Maybe we are facing our own mortality. Or, perhaps we simply have more hours now, stuck in lockdown, to think, to dream, to write, to create. To breathe. 

Whatever the reason, I see this collective inward turning as a good thing, a bright spot in an otherwise dark & scary place, and hope that on the other side we are better, stronger people for have taken this pause to draw inward a little, then reach out in the ways that feel most comfortable, most relative, to ourselves.  

So, as for myself, well, to be honest, there has been some relief mixed in with the anxiety and fear. Underneath the constant undercurrent of stress & worry, deep down, there's a peacefulness that comes with the realization that my social calendar, limited as it was, is now completely bare. I no longer feel the pressure to go out when I don't feel like, to socialize when I'd rather stay home alone, go and do and be something that isn't really who I am! I have kept my circle really small, and my commitments minimal, but still..there were many days when I would have prefered to sit on my couch and read rather than go out to dinner, for coffee, to lunch..whatever I felt that I needed to do to keep up with what was expected of me socially, societally. I always suspected that I was an introvert, but once I quit drinking two years ago I realized just how much that was true, how often I used alcohol to force myself to do things I'd have preferred not to do. With that came more knowledge about myself, and eventually acceptance for not being the someone I pretended to be. Or tried to be. Or felt pressured to be. I stopped apologizing for not being her, and summoned the courage to say no. No, I don't want to go to happy hour. No, I don't want to go to a restaurant where there is nothing healthy/vegan on the menu. I choose not to sit at a crowded bar and listen to loud music while squished up against drunk people. No, no, no. No, thank you. I found my voice, and discovered that the sky didn't fall after all. My real friends & family still love me even though I am sober now. My husband, though admittedly misses the "fun" times of drinking with me, didn't leave me and we have found other ways to enjoy each other's company that don't involve alcohol. Nothing bad happened, and so many good things did! 

So, all of this to say: I had already been a little bit isolated. I'd already turned inward, discovered new past times and picked up long lost hobbies. Baked and cooked, read & crocheted. Cleaned & organized. Embraced my homebody nature. That part hasn't been hard for me. Except, and this is a HUGE exception: my family. I miss my children and grandchildren desperately. Which is why, after 8 weeks of being apart, I took a calculated, careful risk and went to see them last week. And it was everything. Everything sweet and wonderful and poignant and beautiful and heartwrenching and I will never, ever forget the moment when A ran to me, arms outstretched and gave me the biggest, best hug I have ever had. Grabbing all of my grandbabies, holding my daughters tight, something I never really took for granted but is even more precious now. 

Now, we wait. We keep doing what we have been for the past couple of months, sit tight, be safe, be careful, stay healthy. Wash hands. Wear masks. Hope & pray that this passes soon while wondering what the "new normal" will look like. In the meantime, I'll keep looking inward, deciding what I'll bring with me from my old life, and what parts I'll leave behind. I think I'll keep writing, for myself, so that I will remember. 

Michele~