Flattened

I am trying to stay positive, I really am, but there has been so much crap going on lately, I feel flattened, just like Stanley up there.

In a nutshell, the past month has been a series of mishaps in several areas of my life - financial, personal, professional. From big things such as $400 vet bills, hateful e-mails from Beren's daughter, moving one child to college only to move her back less than a week later, a situation at work which may result in me losing my job, to smaller incidents of flat tires, burnt dinners and bounced checks, it's all just weighed on me to the point of exhaustion.

I know that there are much worse problems, that I am incredibly grateful to have a wonderful family and good friends, a nice home which I share with healthy, beautiful daughters and the love of my life. We are all healthy. Really, I am not making light of these things but how much ongoing stress is one person supposed to handle before they simply collapse?

I wake up with trepidation, wondering how many minutes or hours it’s going to be before the next catastrophe hits. Not a good way to live!

My friend Jersey says all of this chaos is due to Mercury in Retrograde and if so I'm gonna hole up in my house and wait for September 12th when it's all over!
Anybody want to join me? I'll supply the wine if you bring the chocolate.

Bittersweet

bit·ter·sweet (btr-swt)
n.

1. Bitter and sweet at the same time: bittersweet chocolate.
2. Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure: a movie with a bittersweet ending.

It's a bittersweet time here at the Castle, emotions are all over the map. You see, my littlest bird, my Bambi, has decided to go away for college. A natural, normal event, of course, but one I'm not quite ready for. (Is any mother ever ready for her babies to leave the nest?) She made the decision a few months ago and though I am so proud of her courage and independence, I admit there was a part of me who held onto the hope that she would change her mind. No, not my Bambi, once she makes a decision she sticks with it. She has a goal and she's going to meet it, come hell or high water.

So yesterday our family made the trip to the big ol' college town of her choice, unloaded B's possessions and proceeded to set her up in a little apartment.





Beren and I got her all settled in and then took she and her friends out to lunch...




made a run to the grocery store because there's no way I could leave her with an empty fridge! Then I reluctantly said goodbye, doing my best not to break down sobbing, and made the 2 hour drive back to our Ormond house. Kali & Lindsey stayed with her overnight, as did her boyfriend, so she won't be really alone until tonight.
I know there will be some homesick moments, days when she's tempted to pack up her kitten and head south, but I think she'll resist. She'll be ok..she really will..me? Well, that might be another story. I am dreading returning home to find her empty room, devoid of her pictures, momentos..the very essence of Bambi. I hope I can be as strong as she is.

In the meantime, my other kids will be stopping here for dinner before heading home, so I'll put my energies into the kitchen as I always due when feeling blue. A simply pasta dinner is in order, my Mom's Brownie Chip Cookies for dessert. These are the cookies mom has made over the years for every family occasion, happy and sad, we could always count on these delicious goodies being part of it. I'd like to think Mom's with me today, nodding with understanding and surrounding me with warm comforting hugs.



SAM'S BROWNIE CHIP COOKIES

1 box brownie mix
1 c. chocolate chips
2 eggs
1/4 c. oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease cookie sheets. Combine mix, eggs,, and oil in large bowl. Beat about 50 strokes by hand. Stir in chips. Drop by rounded teaspoon on baking sheets. Bake 8 to 10 minutes. Cookies are soft to touch. Cool slightly before removing from baking sheet.

Note: these are not the prettiest cookies in the world..grin..but I promise you after one bite you won't care!

Blessings,

Eat, Pray, Love

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

My daughters and I went to see the movie yesterday, an early birthday celebration. To say that I enjoyed it is an understatement. I was deeply, profoundly moved. There were so many amazing moments, so many meaningful quotes..truly a life-altering experience.

Today is my 46th birthday and, like always, I will choose to honor today as my own personal New Year. There's much I'd like to accomplish over the coming year, changes I want to make and dreams to fulfill...I've decided that the title of Ms. Gilbert's book is the perfect theme for this, my 47th year on the planet..

EAT...mindfully and with passion
PRAY...and trust in the answers
LOVE...with wild abandon

Sounds like it's going to be one amazing year! Off to get started..

Blessings,

Alone Time

First, let me apologize for the appearance of my blog at the moment. My "webmistress" Kali is working diligently to get my background back but is having some difficulty. Since she's already a very busy lady running a business and my household while I'm away, it might take her just a little bit longer to get things up & running.

Today's horoscope is perfect. My Moontime arrived last night, earlier than I'd expected but considering the current emotional upheaval, it makes perfect sense. I'm going to take some time for myself today, perhaps immerse myself in a good book and then take an evening stroll on the beach..something to clear my head and allow it to process the events of the past few days.

August 7, 2010
Alone Time
Leo Daily Horoscope

Your need for privacy could be strong today, which may make you seek seclusion in a place that feels safe. While you might not feel lonely, your desire to be alone might be due to your need to sort out your thoughts. This would provide you with a wonderful opportunity to truly listen to what your soul wants. If you can, you might envision that your home is a sanctuary today, enveloped in a bright, healing energetic field. Within this space, you have the freedom to explore the depths of your spirit. With each breath you might imagine that you are moving closer to the truth that lies within you. Once you are comfortable and your mind is calm, you might wish to focus your attention on the more tangible issues in your life, asking yourself what course of action you should take.

Time alone gives us the space to reflect on our lives. For most of us, our lives are filled with responsibilities and activities, meaning we are never truly alone but are always surrounded both physically and emotionally by others. Sequestering ourselves away for even an hour, however, gives us breathing room. Without the distractions of other people, we are better able to connect with our deepest selves—the part of us that truly knows what we want and need to be fulfilled. As you make time for yourself today, you will better hear what your soul wants to communicate to you and do what is true for yourself.

Recovery

Well, despite a very rocky start, Beren and I did manage to reclaim our vacation and have a little bit of fun.

We made the 40-minute drive to St. Augustine, had a lunch at a lovely restaurant at the historic Casa Monica Hotel..



(that's Flagler College across the street)



and we enjoyed happy hour at a great little place where mermaids rule!



introduced Loki to some...umm..wildlife! ewww!!!



got up early and watched the sunrise...



a fresh start, even though it's nearly the end of our vacation...

Blessings,

Broken-Hearted

I might have mentioned this (a hundred times) before..I am not very good at changes, especially those which involve people leaving. While no one loves to say good-bye, I am especially bad at it. I admit: I have abandonment issues.



Well, in the past couple of months I've had to deal head on with this issue, thanks to changes in our family dynamics (read: people leaving). I am sorry to report that Kali & Kevin separated a couple of months ago, and a reconciliation does not seem likely. Kevin got an apartment on his own, leaving Kristyn and their furbabies behind. Kali is still at home with us, moving on with her life as best she can with the help of her family and friends. Only the two of them know exactly what happens, I only have bits & pieces of stories which add up an unhappy ending to what we believed to be a storybook romance. As if that weren't sad enough, Kevin has chosen to cut himself off from the only family he has really known for the past six years, changing his phone number & e-mail address and deleting us from his Facebook account. While I understand his anger and hurt, he is directing it at the wrong people..in my humble opinion, of course.

On the heels of this, yesterday Beren's girls made a similar decision. We picked them up Monday evening for the long-awaited summer vacation with their dad. Though things have been a bit shaky at times, we had hoped that we would have some quality time together...a week of beach & water park days followed by lazy evenings on the patio, maybe a movie or two thrown in if we got bored. This was not to be the case. By Tuesday morning my nerves were shot, I already knew that things were not going to go well. One's attitude was snobbish to the point of rudeness, the other was a nervous wreck. Both spent as much time as possible holed up in their rooms, apparently just "doing their time" until Sunday night when they could return home. We couldn't stand it. We spoke up, asked for an explanation, understanding..something to help us bridge the gap and make things better, to no avail. Wednesday morning they woke up and informed us that they wanted to go home, that in fact they never want to come up to Ormond with us again. That clearly we can't "get along" and we should stop trying to "force it." They maintain that they never want to be with us, that they lie and manipulate the situation in order to avoid it. There was more, but I'll spare you further details. A couple of hours & a river of tears later, they were gone. Their grandfather who lives nearby took them to his house until their mother arrived to take them home. I couldn't, wouldn't, say goodbye. I took Loki and went outside, too hurt and upset to deal with it. Confused & shellshocked, Beren and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking, him trying to figure out where & how he may have failed as a parent, me fighting the incredible feeling of hatred and rejection. Neither of us thought this "blended family" thing was going to be easy, but we never imagined it would turn out like this.



Where do we go from here? At this point Beren has chosen to give up his "forced" visitation unless the girls truly want to see him. I suggested that a couple days prior to his regularly scheduled weekend he e-mail them, invite them to see him, put it out there, and leave it up to them. They are 14 - 1/2 and 17..old enough to make some decisions for themselves. At least they will know that they are wanted and loved, whether or not they choose to respond is their decision.

So, in the span of a few months my family has lost a minimum of three members. I am disillusioned and broken-hearted.