Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Be Gentle with Yourself...
I put my heart out there and got hurt again by someone I thought was a friend and yet they'd proven otherwise several times in the past. I gave him another chance, thought this time was different but apparently not. I sit here embarrassed and disappointed, in him, yes, but mostly in myself. I feel like a fool for letting down my guard and taking a chance so I sit here in a familiar cycle of self-loathing, ruminating and obsessing over what could have been done differently. And, honestly, I don't even have all of the details yet, I could be totally wrong..but I don't think so.
So, instead of putting the "blame" on the person who hurt me, I'm blaming myself for being the warm, caring, forgiving person I am, for opening my heart and allowing someone in..again. My friend Jersey says I'm "jack-storying," making things up when I don't have the facts, imagining the worst and beating myself up over it. She reminds me of how horrible the past year has been for me, how much stress and strain I've been under, that I am still deeply sad and grieving over the loss of my mother. She says that I am vulnerable right now, that it only makes sense that I would grasp onto what seemed to be a genuine extension of friendship, that I am craving attention, connection. She's right, of course, as she always is, she knows me so well.
So, I'm going to try to reflect upon this section of Desiderata, change my self-loathing to self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-love. Easier said than done, asking the Universe for some assistance and direction.