Missing Her

My Beautiful Mother, "Sam,"
September 23, 1940 - February 4, 2009

I miss you, Mom, more every day..

Love,

A Safe Haven

I have an overwhelming need for peace & quiet lately, have been ferociously guarding the private spaces of my home as well as that of my heart & mind. I'm not inviting people into my house as I used to nor am I opening up emotionally. I feel the need to protect my space, not allowing any unnecessary drama or chaos into my life. I am so committed to this goal that when I'm around someone who even hints of negativity I shut down and shy away, am physically and emotionally unable to connect with them. An alarm goes off, "warning! warning! Drama & heartache ahead! Turn around immediately, head back to the mother ship where you you are safe!"

An incident occurred on Saturday which brought this to light. Beren and I met some friends at a local bar & grill, a place where we often go on Saturday afternoons. We were joined by a new-ish friend, a man who is the most Zen-like person you could ever imagine, someone who lives & breathes peace & serenity. It's a breath of fresh air being in his company and instinctively I know that's what I need right now. Anyway, while sitting at the bar I was approached by an old acquaintance, someone who we used to be friendly with a few years ago. She's a lovely woman and I was thrilled to see her but after 10 minutes chatting with her I became anxious and stressed, wanting to flee from the bar. I took note of the feeling but went on with our visit for a while. Finally I detached and went to sit with the aforementioned friend and instantly my mood changed. I breathed deep and relaxed, feeling peace once again until SHE came back into my presence. I sat there trying to be "nice," listening to one tale of woe after another, feeling bombarded by her negativity and sadness. My heart went out to her, I tried to imagine ways I could help but then a little voice in me said, No, Let it go. Move away. Go back to the safe place. You can't help her right now, you must take care of yourself. The message was so loud in my head, so clear, and the next morning became even more so.

Sunday I woke up and over our morning cup of coffee I shared these feelings with Beren. I told him that I didn't want to reconnect with "D", that I simply couldn't allow her drama into my life right now, I can't handle it and I don't want to. I'm sorry for her and I know that she needs someone but I'm just not it right now. He understood and agreed, and we moved on, me with a huge sense of relief and peace about the decision.

Sunday afternoon, similar situation. We met an old friend of Beren's who is on the tail end of a divorce, life still in a bit of an upheaval but at least he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, he still chose to dramatize an insignificant event that had recently occurred, going on & on with the story to the point where I, once again, wanted to flee. Beren, sensing my discomfort, gently changed the subject but it was too late. Being in this man's company disturbed me, sent off the same alarms, and I couldn't want to get out of there back to the safe haven of my own space. Again I explained to Beren, I simply can't spend much time with "M" right now, I can't handle his drama. Again & again with that word: Drama. I don't know how else to describe it.

I don't think I'm becoming reclusive, am still spending time with family & friends who don't create those feelings in me, am still working and living my normal life. But I am reevaluating friendships, really taking stock of what each person contributes to my life, negative or positive, and whether or not I'd be better taking a step away from them. It sounds ruthless I guess but I need to do this for my own self-preservation, for my own survival! I am also consciously choosing new friends who are positive, upbeat, healthy and spiritually good for me. If I end up with only a handful of such people, that's ok. Perhaps that's all I can handle right now, maybe that's all the room I have in the safe little haven of my soul.

A Letter to My Father (that will likely never be sent)

Dear Dad,

How is it possible that only a couple of months after her death you starting looking for other women? What made you think it was ok to share with me your casual viewing on Match.com? Did I need to hear that you were dating? That you had "friends?" Or, Goddess forbid, that you were actually becoming "close" to my Aunt, my mother's sister? What in the hell were you thinking?!

I tried to handle it, expressed on several occasions my discomfort, asked you to not fill me in on details, that I understood you had to move on and live your life but I'm not ready. We, my children and I, are not ready to see you with another woman, in her space, in her home, in our lives. Just because you have moved on, Dad, we haven't. The thing is, you apparently can get another wife, move Mom from the front seat in your Game-of-Life car and replace her with another pink peg. But we, we can't get another Mother, another Grandmother. There was, there is, only one of her. She is not replaceable!

Yet we continued to shut up, look the other way, try to understand..until this past weekend, until you were so distraught over your new girlfriend's absence at a family vacation that you sat in your motor home and stewed. Until I could no longer keep silent about the lack of Mom's things in that RV, from the candles she decorated to the placemats and napkins she embroidered, they were all gone. Tucked away, shoved in drawers, put in their place..just like you are doing to her. Why, Dad? Could the new woman not handle seeing your deceased wife's possessions around her? Or did you not even give her the chance? Why did you think it wouldn't be important to us to have those memories around us? Could you not have pulled them out, even just for the time we were there?

No, instead you sat & stewed, and when that wasn't enough you started criticizing, "picking" Mom used to call it..on me, on my kids, on my Man. When things got heated, when we finally had enough, when we stood up to you, you threw us off your property. In the middle of the night, 2 hours from home, you threw out your daughter. How could you do that? And a better question: what do we do now? Where do we go from here?

These are the questions I ask now, Dad, sitting here awash in memories from the past and still stinging from the hurtful things that were said the other night. I am left to believe the statement I reluctantly made to Beren when she died, "I think that without my mother to reign him in, my Dad will return to the cold, mean man he used to be." I didn't want to imagine it could happen, it was beyond my comprehension that you would desert me and leave me, in essence, an orphan. Doesn't matter that I'm 44, I still need my parents..or, at least, I thought so, until now.

You see, I don't need you anymore, Dad. I'm a big girl now, with my own money, my own home, my own family. I don't have to cower in the corner of my room waiting for your verbal attacks, I refuse to tolerate the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child. If Saturday night is any indication of who you are now, or who you have always been without Mom to make you a better man, I am sorry for you and I forgive you because to do otherwise would only hurt me, but I won't have you destroy me again, and I sure as hell am not going to let you do that to my girls.

I hope I'm wrong, want to believe that you will call me and say how sorry you are, that you are just griefstricken as we all are, that you will change, that we are more important than some bimbo you picked up on the internet or in a bar..but I don't hold out much hope, Dad, because that little girl inside learned a long time ago not to trust you. You taught her well that she's really not important enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. Not then, not now, maybe not ever.

Your Daughter,

Be Gentle with Yourself...

I put my heart out there and got hurt again by someone I thought was a friend and yet they'd proven otherwise several times in the past. I gave him another chance, thought this time was different but apparently not. I sit here embarrassed and disappointed, in him, yes, but mostly in myself. I feel like a fool for letting down my guard and taking a chance so I sit here in a familiar cycle of self-loathing, ruminating and obsessing over what could have been done differently. And, honestly, I don't even have all of the details yet, I could be totally wrong..but I don't think so.

So, instead of putting the "blame" on the person who hurt me, I'm blaming myself for being the warm, caring, forgiving person I am, for opening my heart and allowing someone in..again. My friend Jersey says I'm "jack-storying," making things up when I don't have the facts, imagining the worst and beating myself up over it. She reminds me of how horrible the past year has been for me, how much stress and strain I've been under, that I am still deeply sad and grieving over the loss of my mother. She says that I am vulnerable right now, that it only makes sense that I would grasp onto what seemed to be a genuine extension of friendship, that I am craving attention, connection. She's right, of course, as she always is, she knows me so well.

So, I'm going to try to reflect upon this section of Desiderata, change my self-loathing to self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-love. Easier said than done, asking the Universe for some assistance and direction.

I'd Like a Ticket Refund, Please

Alive In Joy
Dispelling Drama

There are scores of people in the world who seem to be magnets for calamity. They live their lives jumping from one difficult to the next, surrounded by unstable individuals. Some believe themselves victims of fate and decry a universe they regard as malevolent. Others view their chaotic circumstances as just punishments for some failing within. Yet, in truth, neither group has been fated or consigned to suffer. They are likely unconsciously drawing drama into their lives, attracting catastrophe through their choices, attitudes, and patterns of thought. Drama, however disastrous, can be exciting and stimulating. But the thrill of pandemonium eventually begins to frustrate the soul and drain the energy of all who embrace it. To halt this process, we must understand the root of our drama addiction, be aware of our reactions, and be willing to accept that a serene, joyful life need not be a boring one.

Many people, so used to living in the dramatic world they create, feel uncomfortable when confronted with the prospect of a lifetime of peace and contentment. The drama in their lives serves multiple purposes. Upset causes excitement, prompting the body to manufacture adrenaline, which produces a pleasurable surge of energy. For those seeking affection in the form of sympathy, drama forms the basis of their identity as a victim. And when drama is familial, many people believe they can avoid abandonment by continuing to play a key role in the established family dynamic. The addiction to drama is fed by the intensity of the feelings evoked during bouts of conflict, periods of uncertainty, and upheaval.

Understanding where the subconscious need for drama stems from is the key to addressing it effectively. Journaling can help you transfer this need from your mind onto a benign piece of paper. After repeated writing sessions, your feelings regarding the mayhem, hurt feelings, and confusion often associated with drama become clear. When you confront your emotional response to drama and the purpose it serves in your life, you can reject it. Each time you consciously choose not to take part in dramatic situations or associate with dramatic people, you create space in your inner being that is filled with a calm and tranquil stillness and becomes an asset in your quest to lead a more centered life.


Yesterday's Daily Om was so powerful that I took an extra day to read and process. I seem to have a lot of drama in my life and lately I've been wondering if it's me, something I'm doing wrong, if I'm attracting it, or if it's just coincidence. And what defines drama, anyway? Is there any way to truly avoid it while living a life full of people?

Granted, my life with the exes, current, stepchildren, etc. may be slightly more complicated than most but really, I don't think I do anything to bring these situations to me, or am I?

Is it simply how we react to situations that make them drama as opposed to just, well, regular occurrences? If so, how do I learn to respond differently when a possible dramatic event presents itself?

Really something to ponder while I await Beren's arrival so that we may discuss and hopefully curtail the latest DRAMA that's set to begin. I'd love some input from you all, dear readers because at this point I'm really tired of being on stage or even in the front row. I'd much would prefer to slink quietly backstage and just peer out from the curtains now & then.

Beachbound

Beren and I are heading out of town this afternoon, going to the Keys for a nice long weekend..alone! It seems like forever since we've had any real time together, what with his girls being here for two solid weeks and every weekend in June. It was great having them but I am used to having every-other-weekend to ourselves and am really missing that couple time! You see, My Man works very long hours and even when he gets home from the office he is in "workmode" for the remainder of the day, doesn't really come back to himself until..oh, sometime Friday evening! This means that weekends are very important to me, to us, and I look forward to them big time!



I'm especially excited about this little getaway because it's somewhere we haven't stayed before, Fiesta Key, and something we haven't really done before: camping. Now, I am going to admit right here that I am not a camper, not in the traditional sense. I can't stand the heat, I prefer not to sleep on the ground and mosquitos and I do not get along! However, my dad owns a gorgeous 40-foot RV and has decided to park it at this lovely campground for a month and has invited us to make use of it any time we want! Isn't that lovely? Dad will be joining us there this evening to "show us the ropes" since we have no clue how to operate the mechanisms of the RV but after that he'll be heading home, leaving us to our devices.

This morning Beren packed up his car and hooked up the waverunner and our bikes, we'll be leaving this evening after work. I can't wait to get there and unwind, looking forward to a few days of fun in the sun!

Nightmares

I should be on my way to work by now but I sit here immobilized and out of sorts, want to do nothing more than flop on the couch with a stack of magazines and a Snickers bar. Blame it partly on PMS but the main reason is the nightmare-filled restless sleep I just experienced. As if one horrible dream about my Mom wasn't enough, I had to wake up and shake it off only to have another one! What the hell? I know that dreams are supposed to tell us something, a way for the mind to process emotions and situations that we can't handle while awake, but I find it hard to believe that the horrible images in my head last night could possibly be helpful to my psyche. Shudder.

I'm not sure what's going on but I'm all shaken up and this is not a good way to start my day.

It can only get better from here, though, right?

Happiness Is....

a 4th of July BBQ with old friends...



and new, family...





swimming....



music....love....



and laughter....



and Lucy dressed in her holiday best!

Monday Menu Planning

Meatless Monday ~ Sweet Potato Curry with Spinach and Chickpeas
Take-Out Tuesday ~ Pizza Night
Weight Watchin' Wednesday ~ White Bean Turkey Chili
Thrifty Thursday ~ Clean out Refrigerator Night (Leftovers) before heading out of town for the weekend so no cooking for me!

Have a great week!

Since Beren's girls are with us today and I don't think they'd enjoy the slow cooker recipe I'd planned, I'm going to save that for later in the week and instead make them some Baked Penne courtesy of this amazing new-to-me site, BetterBudgeting.com. As usual, I will be substituting veggie crumbles for the beef and will definitely use fresh parsley from my herb garden.

Classic Baked Penne Casserole
Copyright © 2002 by Michelle Jones, editor of BetterBudgeting.com

Next time you plan to make your usual spaghetti dinner for your family, try this delicious casserole recipe instead. It's still very frugal and can feed a crowd, the only extra expense will be for 2 cups of mozzarella cheese. Remember to buy the store brand and wait 'til it goes on sale.

* * *

Ingredients:

8 ounces of Penne pasta, cooked and drained
1/2 pound ground beef, cooked and drained (add some spices while cooking if desired)
1 26-ounce jar of your favorite pasta sauce (or about 3 cups of your homemade sauce)
2 c. Mozzarella cheese, shredded (you can also add a little parmesan cheese if you have it on hand)
Parsley, dried or fresh and chopped
Salt and Pepper to taste

Directions:

* Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
* In a large bowl, mix together cooked pasta, beef, sauce and 1 c. of the shredded cheese.
* Place pasta mixture into baking dish and cover with lid or aluminum foil. Bake for 30-35 minutes.
* Take dish out of the oven and remove cover, top with remaining 1 c. of shredded cheese and sprinkle with parsley. Bake for another 8-10 minutes.

Makes 4-6 servings. This recipe can be double easily and cooked in a 10x13 baking pan.

Bon Appétit,