BirthDay Musings

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, 

but rarely admit the changes it has gone through 

to achieve that beauty." ~ Maya Angelou 

Saturday was my birthday, my 58th. I have lots of thoughts swirling around my head, about the day itself and also about the bigger meaning, the significance of the date, the passing of time, aging.  

I've never been one to dwell on the number, haven't given much thought to growing older and what that entails, but this year is different. This year, I've decided to somewhat embrace the inevitable. I've stopped coloring my hair, letting the grays show. I'll admit, as much as the "Silver Sisters" movement encourages us to enjoy the "silver crown," I don't like how this looks. I don't care for the way the front of my head is different than the rest. I know it's a transition, it will take time (at least 2 years!), and I "should" be patient and enjoy the experience. Right now, though, I miss my brown with blonde highlights. I don't care for the way my skin looks against the gray hairline. (I'm also not happy with my weight, and that's probably part of my frustration, but that's another subject.) This sudden change, not the "natural" way as it would have been if I'd allowed the strands to come through over time, is hard. It's jarring. Along with some other changes to my body, aches & pains and weird things that are happening, I'm just feeling out of sorts. Not comfortable in my skin. I'm sure it's temporary and I'll adjust, but for now..I'm just a little sad. 

I'm still processing, will likely have more to say once I get my head around it, but for now, I want to write, to share, to get these memories down somewhere that I can reflect on them at my leisure. Yes, I posted on Instagram and Facebook, but, to be honest, I'm growing weary (again) of social media and find myself turning back to blogging where I feel comfortable and safe. 

Maybe, like the metaphorical caterpillar, I'm cocooning at the moment. I'm hunkering down and having some deep thoughts which may lead to big changes..or not. Perhaps I just need to take a breath, give myself a little time to regroup and settle into the changes that have happened already. Maybe nothing else is needed this year. 

I'm not sure, but for now, I'm going to relish in the memories of the gorgeous celebration with my family. I'm going to appreciate the sweet gifts and the heartfelt greetings from friends. I'm just going to sit right here and count my blessings.

Michele~

Goodbye, My Friend

 

It's been 12 days since we lost him, and I'm still processing, not ready to write about it yet. I know I should get these feelings out there, but every time I sit down to write something in me resists and I just can't. Maybe someday I will sit down and beautiful, eloquent words will flow and I'll be able to honor who he was, what he meant to me, but for now I'll just repost what I wrote in April of 2007. 

I love you, "Strider," and will miss you every day of my life. 

Re-post from April 13, 2007: 

Since neither of my youngest daughters have been inspired to choose a "character" for my blog (apparently the nasty business of school and work consumes them), I'll move along and come back to them later. Ex-husband #1 and I share such a long, complicated history; it would take a novel-length post to tell our story! In a nutshell: he and Beren are best friends, have been for 35 years now. I dated Beren first, way back in the day when we were young and wild and a little bit crazy. When circumstances drove us apart, I had the good fortune to be "taken care of" by this amazing man who I went on to marry and create a child with. The marriage didn't last, but the friendship did, and it has only gotten stronger and deeper as we have co-parented and befriended each other through the years. He is a wonderful, passionate father who really opens his heart..a rare find in a man nowadays. He has been "with" me through thick and thin, the subsequent break-up of my second marriage and everything that lead up to it. Several years ago he gave me an amazing gift: he and Kali orchestrated a meeting between myself and Beren, the first time we'd laid eyes on each other in 20-something years. They had no idea what would happen, only that I still had feelings for Beren that I needed to explore further or put closure to. The rest is history, as they say, but I have the greatest admiration for this man who loved me, and his friend, enough to give us his blessing. When the rest of the world looked on in shock and disbelief at the situation, my ex-husband showed grace and dignity and acceptance. He was one of our few "cheerleaders," never losing hope that we would make it, that it would all work out. I can't speak for him, but I know that I feel completely loved by him in the most pure, sincere way, and I believe that Beren feels the same. So, that's the condensed version of the story, and my introduction to Strider..a/ka/ Aragorn..ex-husband to me, best friend to Beren, father of Kali. He says that he chose Strider because he is heroic & chivilrous, and I think that describes him perfectly.

Rest

I'm taking a course by the author Patti Digh called First 37 for 2021. Each day we receive writing prompts and encouragement to go deeper, live with intention, create more meaning in our lives. I am really enjoying it so far, already feel more peaceful and enlightened and am enjoying the community of Like-minded people. Well, today's instruction consisted of just one word: REST. 

After the insanity and chaos of yesterday's political drama, that's just what I intend to do today. I'm going to breathe deeply, move slowly and allow my body and mind to calm down. There's a lot of work to be done in our country, and I hope to do my part, but for today, some healing is needed. 

Have a beauty-full day,

Rapunzel

On My Hearth: Creole Black-eyed Peas

photo by Kali

Because 2020 was such a freaking mess (to put it mildly), I am not taking any chances with this year! Not only did I make my own batch of lucky black-eyed peas, I also gifted a bag of Rancho Gordo to each of my daughters. Everyone prepared her own recipe, wish I could have tasted them all but, alas, distance prevented that from happening. I had to settle for just my own, which is so delicious and, like every recipe from Susan Voisin, is always a hit! 

My photo doesn't do it justice, head over to FatFree Vegan Kitchen and grab the recipe for Creole Black-eyed Peas.  I usually serve it with a hunk of cornbread alongside, but after a few indulgent holiday meals, I need to get back on track with my eating plan before my jeans are any tighter! I'm starting with Square One, listening to Chef AJ each morning as I walk, cleaning up my kitchen and preparing compliant meals. I'll have those few pounds gone in no time. 

The walking is so important, I really feel it when I miss a couple days in a row. So, back to regular movement, structure and focus and routine! 

Have a beauty-full day,

Rapunzel~

Structure

 

Each January I choose a word or phrase to be the theme for the year, and this year is no different. I wanted to select something spiritual or meaningful, thinking that the last 9 months of Covid lockdown should have resulted in a personal revelation of sorts. Honestly, no such thing happened. What the pandemic has done is confirmed the truths I already knew about myself, and given me "permission" to embrace the things I wasn't quite willing to before. I'm no longer going to apologize for being an introvert, for needing a lot of alone time, for preferring to stay home, for not enjoying crowds and noise. There's nothing wrong with wanting to hunker down with my husband and my pets, read a book or binge on Netflix. I'm not a bad friend if I would rather meet at a coffee shop for an hour or two than commit to a full day or night of socialization. While I understand that as grownups we sometimes have to step outside our comfort zones, do things because our family or friends enjoy them, that is more the exception than the rule from here on. Forced social distancing has helped me shore up some boundaries I was already building, and that feels good. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hermit committing to a life of solitude; I enjoy the company of friends and family! I'm just more and more discerning about where and with whom I want to spend my leisure time. 

So, the primary word for 2021, the one that's been coming up for me for some time, is..

Since retiring and moving to Ormond, I've had a lot more time on my hands, and find myself wasting too much of it. At the end of the day, I look back and realize that I've spent too many hours puttering around the house, scrolling social media, and generally floating through my day with little accomplished at the end of it. For months now I've been trying to implement a routine to add some structure and meaning to my days, and I think I have a plan in place or at least a rough draft which can be tweaked as needed. 

Also, I am choosing a second word, one that served me well a couple of years ago and continues to pop into my head many times a day..

Whenever I get distracted, I gently remind myself to focus, pay attention to the task at hand, be in the present moment. There's rarely anything so urgent that needs my immediate action, I don't need to multitask. It's fine, preferable in fact, to just focus on this one thing. Whether it's a text message, a fleeting thought, a nagging reminder..it can wait its turn. Breathe. Everything in good time. 

So, that's where I am right now. Still building, putting a concrete plan in place, but I know what I want the finished product to look like, how I'd like to spend my days on the whole. That's half the battle, right? 

Rapunzel~ 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

 

Yesterday in a nutshell: Helped rescue a bird. Met a strange dude who I'm forever referring to as "the merman." Voted. Ate donuts. Drove to IKEA, which was surprisingly calm and felt safer than some of the other places I've shopped during the pandemic. Watched the (recorded) debate and growled at the TV. Went to be exhausted yet maybe a little bit hopeful. This will all get better, right? 

Today I'm going to hunker down at home because that was quite enough adventure for one week. 

Have a beautiful day,

Rapunzel~

A Rather Blustery Day

 

Yesterday was another dreary one, raining on & off for most of the day. While I could have braved the weather and tried to walk, I didn't want to take the chance of getting stuck out there. So, I stayed home and planned to do all sorts of things with that "found" time, but instead I pouted and peered out the window and complained about the bikers who, despite the pandemic and pouring rain, still showed up for Biketoberfest and insisted on racing up and down the street near my house, ruining my quiet Sunday. Yes, I've become that woman, the crotchety old lady who just wants peace & quiet, dammit! If I have to be locked in my house, I want it to be as pleasant as possible, please. Grrr..

Anyway, I managed to salvage the day (and my mood, sort've) by crafting & cooking, watching TV & reading, as per usual. Thanks to my friend Benzaiten who told me about this new Hulu series, Love in the Time of Corona. It's sweet, thoughtful, and, of course, relevant. Chip and I watched a couple of episodes, and I look forward to more later today. 

On my hearth was this easy slowcooker recipe, Butternut Squash Red Lentil Stew.

I mostly followed the recipe, didn't bother sautéeing the veggies and spices beforehand, just dumped them into the Crockpot and cooked on High for a few hours until the squash was fork tender, then stirred in spinach and coconut milk until heated through. Since I don't typically cook with oil, I left that out as well, making this dish perfectly meet my whole food, plant-based no oil criteria. (WFPBNO). I topped with a sprig of cilantro & served over steamed jasmine rice. 

The Verdict: Absolutely delicious! It was just the right amount of spice for me, but a less heat-tolerant diner may want to cut down or leave out the cayenne. I regret that I can't make a prettier presentation; you'll have to trust me that it tastes much better than it looks!

So far, today is no less blustery but the rain has cleared out (along with the bikers!) and the skies are mostly clear. I understand that more wet weather is headed our way so I took my window of opportunity and hit the sand at sunrise. Ah..with my feet in the sand, wind in my hair & the latest Brené Brown podcast episode in my ears (thank you, Lily!), it was the perfect way to kick off my Monday. 

Have a Beautiful Day,

Rapunzel~

On My Hearth: Rainy Day Chili

 

This dish is so easy, hardly a recipe, yet when I've tried to be fancy and make other more complicated versions, I'm not happy. This one tastes the most like the chili my mom used to make, the one she'd put together on a chilly Saturday.morning and we'd "eat off of" all weekend long. Of course, Mom's version contained a pound of ground beef and was "sopped up" with white bread, but still..this invokes the same feeling of warmth and comfort. I have been making this chili for so many years, it's a family favorite and a go-to on rainy, dreary days or when we're craving a bit of hearty comfort food. 

Rainy Day Chili

3 cups (2 cans) cooked beans (kidney, black bean, etc)

1 1/2 cups frozen veggie crumbles (we like Gardein)

1 can diced tomatoes, fire-roasted for best flavor (to 2 cans)

1 envelope chili seasoning mix 

Diced onion and/or bell pepper, optional

Add all ingredients to a slow cooker and walk away for the day! 

At dinnertime, scoop and serve topped with vegan sour cream & cheese shreds, oyster crackers, chopped scallions..whatever you like. 

We like a nice big hunk of cornbread with our chili, haven't found a better one than the Trader Joe's mix. I veganize it by using Follow Your Heart egg replacer. 

Enjoy! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday was such a day. So windy & grey, I trudged through my morning walk, struggling against the wind for most of the 3+ miles. Though the colors of the sky weren't as vibrant as usual, even a muted sunrise is a joy to witness! 

It seems we have had quite a few of those grey days lately, doesn't it? And I don't mean just due to weather. The weight of the world, the worries over the pandemic, politics, etc. are bearing down so heavily right now. It's no wonder that so many of us are cooking and baking more than usual, and not just because we have newfound time to do so. I think there's a bigger reason for tidying up our homes, donning our aprons and heading into the kitchen. We're all so afraid, feeling so helpless, and we want to provide a safe place for ourselves and our loved ones. So we, especially women, do what we have always done. We make a home. We prepare a meal. We gather family & friends around our hearth and feed them comfort in one of the few ways we can. Cooking for someone is my love language, and I know I'm not alone in that. It's also a way I cope with my anxiety. When things get crazy in my life, or simply in my head, I cook. Chopping and measuring, mixing and pouring, these motions calm my spirit and quiet my mind while also producing something delicious to share. It's a healthy coping mechanism, and one I turned to many times this year, and, if the headlines are any indication, I'll likely be doing again and again. 

Rapunzel~ 

Reflections

 Confession: I'm not in a good place. As I touched on in my last post, I'm really having hard time. Emotionally. Mentally. And yes, I guess physically because they're all connected, right? I'm not sleeping well, waking up multiple times a night and then exhausted all day. My appetite is off, forgetting to eat and then forcing myself to choke down healthy meals instead of the comfort food I'm really craving. My mind is cluttered, my brain foggy. It's all I can do to get through the minimal chores to maintain the house, and the only real peace I feel is the 90 minutes I spent each morning walking the beach. I know I need help, that it's time to call in a therapist, because I know my anxiety and depression and how it can spiral really quickly. I've promised my family I'll make that call, but for now, I'm trying to process and figure out what's going on, why I'm struggling so. Here's what I've come up with so far..

I'm scared. I'm angry. I feel vulnerable. I am literally afraid to leave my house, and not just because of Covid. When I look deep inside my heart, I realize I'm also afraid of "them," the "others," the non-mask-wearing-confederate-flag-wearing-Trump-supporting-antiBLM-progun people who make up the majority of my town. I feel ok at home, safe inside my house with Rachel Maddow and Trevor Noah and NPR feeding me the news, two Biden signs and flag displayed on our property. I'm comfortable when I only talk to my like-minded friends & family, bemoaning the state of the country, collectively hoping & praying for change and seeking ways we can make a difference. But, it only takes a few steps from my front door to feel differently. One can't avoid the giant Trump flags on the millionaire's concrete walls, the multiple signs dotting the neighbors' lawns. It's obvious that we don't share the same political opinions, but it's more than that. Because to believe in him, to still actively support him, means so much more than Democrat vs Republican. What it means, to me, is that we don't share the same core beliefs or values. A vote for him is a vote for children in cages, for fewer rights for my LGBTQ community. Supporting him means that you don't support a woman's right to choose, no only whether or not to give birth but even for who can touch her body without her permission. By placing that sign in your yard you are in fact stating that you don't mind that the President of the United States sexually abused women. That he proudly boasts of his predatory habits, that he grabs women by the pussy and kisses them whether they like it or not. That he has had multiple affairs and has paid hush money to keep those women quiet. On and on and on it goes, one horrible misdeed after another to the point where we aren't even shocked anymore because nothing he does surprises us. Anything is possible with this man. Yet for his base, nothing he has done is vile enough to turn them against him, and that absolutely blows my mind! I understand towing the party line, I truly do. I was raised by Republican parents, my father used his last vote on earth to mark the circle next to Donald's name because, as he said with a shrug, "Who else do we have? He's our guy." No amount of discussion could change his mind, and it literally made me sick to put that ballot in the mailbox. So, I get it, those who have always voted Republican for one reason or another, but this time is different. This isn't normal. This election has more at stake that any other time in our nation's history. I don't think it's an exaggeration to state that this time it's a matter of life and death. 

When I go outside and I see the signs, or people blatantly ignoring the CDC's mask guidelines because it's only suggested and not mandatory in my city, I cringe, and then I seethe. I, who am open minded, so accepting of others beliefs, who embraces differences and tries my best to learn and grow from them, simply can't tolerate this. I have tried. I have made so many attempts to find common ground, see the good in people, but I can't do it. I just can't. This past election, this president, has created so much dissention that what started out as a line in the sand grew to a crater, and now it's so deep and so wide that I can't form a bridge across it. Indeed, I want to build a moat round my castle, bring in only the people who believe and feel as strongly as I do. We could brainstorm together, commiserate, weep and console each other with good food and hot tea and comfort. When one of us grows too weary to hold onto hope, our sisters and brothers will shore us up, remind us to fight the good fight, assure us that we aren't alone and that in the end goodness and truth will prevail. I desperately need to believe this right now, don't you? 

So, who's with me? I'll put the kettle on, you bring the biscuits. See you soon.

Rapunzel~

You're Aging Well

 

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here
With the things you know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?" ~ Dar Williams

https://youtu.be/aETWMI2XMnk

I recently celebrated my 56th birthday and, as is my tradition, I started the day with a long walk on the beach and a weepy listen to the beautiful song above. Since being introduced to it, and Dar herself, way back in the late 90's, it has become the birthday anthem for myself and the dear friends who discovered her with me. 

I had a wonderful day with family, blessed with delicious food & Kali-baked cake, generous, thoughtful gifts, cuddles from grandchildren and puppies..who could ask for more? I felt very special and loved. 

The next day we donned our masks and ventured out to the museum, the first real outing I've had since the pandemic. It was lovely to walk around, observing social distancing, look at the natural wonders and awe at the butterflies.

And now, back home and normal life, whatever that is. I admit, the situation is wearing on me. I'm a little depressed, a bit more anxious than usual, and unfortunately don't see an end in sight. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but between the virus, the politics, the civil unrest, and the wildfires, I'm overwhelmed and having a hard time seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying, really I am. Every day I wake up, take my sunrise walk, thank the Universe for another day on the planet, and try to do my best to make some sort of positive impact, however small. It's not easy, and I'm one of the lucky ones. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, or if I'll be able to pay my rent this month. I'm not afraid of getting shot in the street, in my car, or in my bed. I'm privileged. I know this, and I bear some guilt/shame  for even daring to complain when there are those so much worse off, who don't have the luxury of just staying home to stay safe. So, I'll try to be more grateful, less whiny about the small ways my life has changed. But I'll also allow myself to feel the grief and loss and the fear of the unknown, because that's real and true and honest and we all need to talk about these feelings to get through them, right? And I'll do what I can about the things I can control. I'll take the best care of myself and my family that I can. I'll support small businesses who share my values. I'll make donations to causes that matter to me. I'll stay present, keep learning and growing. And I'll use my voice and power November 3rd to help vote for change. Because whatever the "after times" look like, they have to be better than right now. We have to ensure that they are. 

Rapunzel~