Change of Scenery

Where to begin? The beginning seems to be the most logical place, but where is that? How far back do I go? And how much do I have to unpack along the way? Too far, and too much..for now. So, I'll just tell a short story, a synopsis of the recent past..

We decided to spend some time in Gainesville, arrived nearly two weeks ago and will likely be here for at least two more weeks. We have been busy making the "Lemon House" more homey, building on the beautiful items Lily and C left us when they moved out. 

Since we will be here for a while, we brought the cats and they're having a great time exploring their new space!

This house is so lovely, has it's own unique details and charms different from Ormond Beach. I've been enjoying the process of settling in, arranging pillows and tossing blankets, hanging artwork and stocking the pantry. I've made several meals for Bambi and J, have loved setting a proper table and having family around it, and being "treated" at Bambi's house.

J and I have visited the library and gone shopping, she is the best helper/shopping companion ever! We've also explored her magical backyard, played with her kitty, did some coloring..and she and Captain had a rousing games of cards & Candy Land. 

We still have work to do, but it's shaping up nicely and we are feeling comfortable, finding a routine..enjoying a change of pace and scenery. 

Signing off from Gatorland,

Rapunzel

BirthDay Musings

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, 

but rarely admit the changes it has gone through 

to achieve that beauty." ~ Maya Angelou 

Saturday was my birthday, my 58th. I have lots of thoughts swirling around my head, about the day itself and also about the bigger meaning, the significance of the date, the passing of time, aging.  

I've never been one to dwell on the number, haven't given much thought to growing older and what that entails, but this year is different. This year, I've decided to somewhat embrace the inevitable. I've stopped coloring my hair, letting the grays show. I'll admit, as much as the "Silver Sisters" movement encourages us to enjoy the "silver crown," I don't like how this looks. I don't care for the way the front of my head is different than the rest. I know it's a transition, it will take time (at least 2 years!), and I "should" be patient and enjoy the experience. Right now, though, I miss my brown with blonde highlights. I don't care for the way my skin looks against the gray hairline. (I'm also not happy with my weight, and that's probably part of my frustration, but that's another subject.) This sudden change, not the "natural" way as it would have been if I'd allowed the strands to come through over time, is hard. It's jarring. Along with some other changes to my body, aches & pains and weird things that are happening, I'm just feeling out of sorts. Not comfortable in my skin. I'm sure it's temporary and I'll adjust, but for now..I'm just a little sad. 

I'm still processing, will likely have more to say once I get my head around it, but for now, I want to write, to share, to get these memories down somewhere that I can reflect on them at my leisure. Yes, I posted on Instagram and Facebook, but, to be honest, I'm growing weary (again) of social media and find myself turning back to blogging where I feel comfortable and safe. 

Maybe, like the metaphorical caterpillar, I'm cocooning at the moment. I'm hunkering down and having some deep thoughts which may lead to big changes..or not. Perhaps I just need to take a breath, give myself a little time to regroup and settle into the changes that have happened already. Maybe nothing else is needed this year. 

I'm not sure, but for now, I'm going to relish in the memories of the gorgeous celebration with my family. I'm going to appreciate the sweet gifts and the heartfelt greetings from friends. I'm just going to sit right here and count my blessings.

Michele~

You're Aging Well

 

"I'm so glad that you finally made it here
With the things you know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?" ~ Dar Williams

https://youtu.be/aETWMI2XMnk

I recently celebrated my 56th birthday and, as is my tradition, I started the day with a long walk on the beach and a weepy listen to the beautiful song above. Since being introduced to it, and Dar herself, way back in the late 90's, it has become the birthday anthem for myself and the dear friends who discovered her with me. 

I had a wonderful day with family, blessed with delicious food & Kali-baked cake, generous, thoughtful gifts, cuddles from grandchildren and puppies..who could ask for more? I felt very special and loved. 

The next day we donned our masks and ventured out to the museum, the first real outing I've had since the pandemic. It was lovely to walk around, observing social distancing, look at the natural wonders and awe at the butterflies.

And now, back home and normal life, whatever that is. I admit, the situation is wearing on me. I'm a little depressed, a bit more anxious than usual, and unfortunately don't see an end in sight. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but between the virus, the politics, the civil unrest, and the wildfires, I'm overwhelmed and having a hard time seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying, really I am. Every day I wake up, take my sunrise walk, thank the Universe for another day on the planet, and try to do my best to make some sort of positive impact, however small. It's not easy, and I'm one of the lucky ones. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, or if I'll be able to pay my rent this month. I'm not afraid of getting shot in the street, in my car, or in my bed. I'm privileged. I know this, and I bear some guilt/shame  for even daring to complain when there are those so much worse off, who don't have the luxury of just staying home to stay safe. So, I'll try to be more grateful, less whiny about the small ways my life has changed. But I'll also allow myself to feel the grief and loss and the fear of the unknown, because that's real and true and honest and we all need to talk about these feelings to get through them, right? And I'll do what I can about the things I can control. I'll take the best care of myself and my family that I can. I'll support small businesses who share my values. I'll make donations to causes that matter to me. I'll stay present, keep learning and growing. And I'll use my voice and power November 3rd to help vote for change. Because whatever the "after times" look like, they have to be better than right now. We have to ensure that they are. 

Rapunzel~

This past Friday, my Lily graduated with her Masters in Social Work! Thanks to the Coronavirus, we had to cancel our family trip to be there with her which the most disappointing, heartbreaking part of this experience thus far. We all so wanted to watch her walk across the stage, receive that hard-earned diploma, cheer and weep with  pride. Take her to lunch after, raise a glass of sparkling cider in her honor. Instead, we had to do that through a virtual commencement and a Zoom meeting. 

It certainly wasn't the same, and not nearly good enough for her, for us, but we made the best of it and look forward to a real celebration once we're together again. (soon, goddess willing). 

Today is Mother's Day, and I'm filled with mixed emotions. Excited to drive to be with Kali &  Bambi & babies, but am missing Lily so much, nothing feels complete without her. I'm also missing my own mom, and am thinking how proud she would be of Lily, and how happy she was on her own graduation day. It was "only" an Associates Degree, but she was the first in her family to have any type of formal education, and she was very proud of that fact, as well she should be. I vaguely remember her own graduation day, but can't recall the date. I'm guessing 1986 or early 1987..

Congratulations, Mom. Your namesake accomplished something amazing! I wish you were here to see her. 

Rapunzel~

Strange New Waters

I awoke feeling acutely grief-stricken, and I said to myself, "Ah, this is the empty-nest feeling I've heard about, the feeling that says, "You're not at home in your new world, and your old world no longer fits you." I was in limbo, aching for what was and for what might have been. Intellectually I knew this was a growth phase, a kind of labor pain that would yield wonderful things if I could just allow myself to go through it. (It helped to know that I didn't really have a choice.) Rather than smooth it over and find mind-numbing ways to spare myself the anguish, I let myself feel it. I was lonely, disappointed, heartbroken, and scared, and I sat on my bed and cried for everything about my life that was dying." ~Dr. Christiane Northrup, The Wisdom of Menopause

I could have written this passage myself, as I sat here this morning on my bed, mourning the past, not sure what the future looks like but convinced that I'm not going to like it. You see, when we return home from Ormond this afternoon, I will be facing an empty-er house than when I left. One more bedroom will be empty, one more little bird having flown the nest. Bambi moved into an apartment with her boyfriend, a decision I not only approved of but celebrated for her. She's a smart, independent, mature young woman and she's ready to move out on her own. I have no doubt that she will be successful and happy in her new home. But me? That's another story.

I got pregnant with Kali when I was nineteen years old, I have been a mother for 28 years. It is the most important job I've ever done, the only one that really mattered, and I put my heart and soul into it. I barely remember my adult life before children, before full-time mothering, and I have no idea how to do anything different. Of course, I have Beren and my pets and my hobbies, and a little part-time job that fills my time, but first and foremost I am a Mother. And, yes, I realize that I will always have that role, but it's different now that they are adults. They no longer need or want my "parenting." They want and need to live their own lives, find their own place in the world, and that's normal, natural and healthy. I am just not sure how to "do" this parenting-of-adults. How involved should I be? How often do I call, visit? Where is the line between abandonment and independence? How much is simply too much?

I am struggling with these questions, desperately seeking the answers from "experts" as well as my friends but, alas, no one I know has been here yet. Having my girls so early puts me at a disadvantage as many of my peers are still struggling with teenage issues, not ready to deal with the emptying of their nest. I feel like I'm navigating these unchartered waters without a compass or a map, hoping I'm headed in the right direction but not even certain of my destination! It's terrifying yet just a little bit exciting as well. Even though my tears, I tentatively look forward to where this next phase of life may take me but understand that in order for me to get there, wherever "there" may be, I have to release myself from the security of the dock and set sail. Bon Voyage.

Rapunzel~

30 Days of Photos: Day 29

30 Days of Photos, Day 28: A picture that can always make you smile


Lily & Bambi ~ Summer of 1993

Still to Come...

30. A picture of someone you miss

Rapunzel~

Bittersweet

bit·ter·sweet (btr-swt)
n.

1. Bitter and sweet at the same time: bittersweet chocolate.
2. Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure: a movie with a bittersweet ending.

It's a bittersweet time here at the Castle, emotions are all over the map. You see, my littlest bird, my Bambi, has decided to go away for college. A natural, normal event, of course, but one I'm not quite ready for. (Is any mother ever ready for her babies to leave the nest?) She made the decision a few months ago and though I am so proud of her courage and independence, I admit there was a part of me who held onto the hope that she would change her mind. No, not my Bambi, once she makes a decision she sticks with it. She has a goal and she's going to meet it, come hell or high water.

So yesterday our family made the trip to the big ol' college town of her choice, unloaded B's possessions and proceeded to set her up in a little apartment.





Beren and I got her all settled in and then took she and her friends out to lunch...




made a run to the grocery store because there's no way I could leave her with an empty fridge! Then I reluctantly said goodbye, doing my best not to break down sobbing, and made the 2 hour drive back to our Ormond house. Kali & Lindsey stayed with her overnight, as did her boyfriend, so she won't be really alone until tonight.
I know there will be some homesick moments, days when she's tempted to pack up her kitten and head south, but I think she'll resist. She'll be ok..she really will..me? Well, that might be another story. I am dreading returning home to find her empty room, devoid of her pictures, momentos..the very essence of Bambi. I hope I can be as strong as she is.

In the meantime, my other kids will be stopping here for dinner before heading home, so I'll put my energies into the kitchen as I always due when feeling blue. A simply pasta dinner is in order, my Mom's Brownie Chip Cookies for dessert. These are the cookies mom has made over the years for every family occasion, happy and sad, we could always count on these delicious goodies being part of it. I'd like to think Mom's with me today, nodding with understanding and surrounding me with warm comforting hugs.



SAM'S BROWNIE CHIP COOKIES

1 box brownie mix
1 c. chocolate chips
2 eggs
1/4 c. oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease cookie sheets. Combine mix, eggs,, and oil in large bowl. Beat about 50 strokes by hand. Stir in chips. Drop by rounded teaspoon on baking sheets. Bake 8 to 10 minutes. Cookies are soft to touch. Cool slightly before removing from baking sheet.

Note: these are not the prettiest cookies in the world..grin..but I promise you after one bite you won't care!

Blessings,

Independence Day

Today I am reflecting upon a difference type of independence, not just of one country separating from another. Due in part to an "incident" with my ex-husband yesterday, I am doing some deep soul searching about what it means to cut oneself off from a person, how to know when it's necessary to do so, and then how to go about making the break.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I have been married twice and have three wonderful daughters from those unions. To the very best of my ability, I have maintained good relationships with my exes, not only in the best interest of the children but also because I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't want constant turmoil and dissension, believed that just because we couldn't make our marriage(s) work didn't mean that we couldn't be, if not friends, at least friendly. This attitude served me well with my first husband, he has been an integral part of my family for the past 22 years since our divorce. This is no small feat considering the history that he and Beren share but we have managed to make it work quite well and I believe Kali is better for it, we all are.

Now, with Husband #2 it has been more challenging, to say the least. Our marriage lasted longer (16 years) and we had more invested in it. In addition to our children we had a business, a home, debt, savings, etc. etc. which has provided more opportunity for conflict and drama. Add to that the fact that he remarried shortly after our divorce, without telling our daughters, to a controlling woman who made it her life's mission to cut me out of his life completely despite the fact that we still had minor children to co-parent. That union only lasted a year but it did as much nearly as much damage to our family as our own break-up did, if you can possibly imagine that.

But, as they say, life goes on and for the past couple of years "T" and I have been civil if not always cozy, I have continued to involve him in every aspect of our children's lives whenever possible. He attends every family event including my own parents' birthdays, he was one of the pallbearers at my mother's funeral. At Kali's wedding he escorted his daughters, Lily and Bambi, down the aisle. I had hoped that after 5 years of divorce things would settle down for good, we would no longer argue and continue to hurt each other. Hasn't enough of that been done, after all? But apparently that was not to be.

Without going into too much detail, let me just say that money truly is the root of all evil, at least in the case of this man. It rules his life, it is what he values most, always has been and apparently always will be. He puts it above all else, his daughters included. This is something we've always understood but never accepted, continued to hope that one day he would get his priorities in order and see that there is so much more to life than the mighty dollar. Hours of texting and heated conversations yesterday proved otherwise. He is still angry and bitter and attacking me in the only way he can right now: through money, and through and at the expense of our children.

Today I woke up with my eyes swollen from crying all day, deflated and defeated. I give up. It is obvious to me that I simply cannot remain in relationship with this person in any capacity. It is toxic to my health and well-being, not to mention what it is doing to my family. I ache for him, for the good parts that I loved and married, for the man he could be, for the father he should be. But I am not responsible for him. Not anymore. I have to cut loose, I have no move on. Yes, we will always be parents together and I am grateful for the beautiful, amazing children we created but that is all. I owe him nothing more than that. Not my loyalty, not my love, not even my friendship.

So, I release you, "T," I wish you the best in your life from here. I will always treasure the memories, will always look at our daughters and appreciate the part of you that is in them, continue to hope that someday you wake up and realize just how rich you truly are in ways that are so much more significant than your bank account. You cannot put a price on family, there is not enough money in the world to take the place of your children.

Be well, "T," Goodbye.

Busy Month for Bambi

It's been a wild whirlwind of a month for my Baby Girl, she went to Prom, graduated from high school and turned 18, whew! Where did the time go???



















I love you, Bambi, and am ever-so-proud to be your Mom!