Broken-Hearted

I might have mentioned this (a hundred times) before..I am not very good at changes, especially those which involve people leaving. While no one loves to say good-bye, I am especially bad at it. I admit: I have abandonment issues.



Well, in the past couple of months I've had to deal head on with this issue, thanks to changes in our family dynamics (read: people leaving). I am sorry to report that Kali & Kevin separated a couple of months ago, and a reconciliation does not seem likely. Kevin got an apartment on his own, leaving Kristyn and their furbabies behind. Kali is still at home with us, moving on with her life as best she can with the help of her family and friends. Only the two of them know exactly what happens, I only have bits & pieces of stories which add up an unhappy ending to what we believed to be a storybook romance. As if that weren't sad enough, Kevin has chosen to cut himself off from the only family he has really known for the past six years, changing his phone number & e-mail address and deleting us from his Facebook account. While I understand his anger and hurt, he is directing it at the wrong people..in my humble opinion, of course.

On the heels of this, yesterday Beren's girls made a similar decision. We picked them up Monday evening for the long-awaited summer vacation with their dad. Though things have been a bit shaky at times, we had hoped that we would have some quality time together...a week of beach & water park days followed by lazy evenings on the patio, maybe a movie or two thrown in if we got bored. This was not to be the case. By Tuesday morning my nerves were shot, I already knew that things were not going to go well. One's attitude was snobbish to the point of rudeness, the other was a nervous wreck. Both spent as much time as possible holed up in their rooms, apparently just "doing their time" until Sunday night when they could return home. We couldn't stand it. We spoke up, asked for an explanation, understanding..something to help us bridge the gap and make things better, to no avail. Wednesday morning they woke up and informed us that they wanted to go home, that in fact they never want to come up to Ormond with us again. That clearly we can't "get along" and we should stop trying to "force it." They maintain that they never want to be with us, that they lie and manipulate the situation in order to avoid it. There was more, but I'll spare you further details. A couple of hours & a river of tears later, they were gone. Their grandfather who lives nearby took them to his house until their mother arrived to take them home. I couldn't, wouldn't, say goodbye. I took Loki and went outside, too hurt and upset to deal with it. Confused & shellshocked, Beren and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking, him trying to figure out where & how he may have failed as a parent, me fighting the incredible feeling of hatred and rejection. Neither of us thought this "blended family" thing was going to be easy, but we never imagined it would turn out like this.



Where do we go from here? At this point Beren has chosen to give up his "forced" visitation unless the girls truly want to see him. I suggested that a couple days prior to his regularly scheduled weekend he e-mail them, invite them to see him, put it out there, and leave it up to them. They are 14 - 1/2 and 17..old enough to make some decisions for themselves. At least they will know that they are wanted and loved, whether or not they choose to respond is their decision.

So, in the span of a few months my family has lost a minimum of three members. I am disillusioned and broken-hearted.

Stormy Seas

November 19, 2009
Benefits of Calm
Leo Daily Horoscope

You may feel stressed as you deal with a hectic schedule today. You might be hurrying to meet deadlines or laboring under a burdensome workload, which could leave you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Since the quality of your thoughts are often more powerful in determining the type of day you have, you may want to take a few minutes to embrace a more peaceful focus. Taking time to meditate on a peaceful image or thought can give you a greater sense of inner balance, while stepping out to burn off excess energy through brisk activity can clear your mind and improve your endurance. The activities you pursue are not as important as the benefits you will enjoy by choosing to release tension and embrace a calmer focus today.

A calm mind-set improves our concentration and lightens our mood, giving us the ability to overcome distractions and accomplish our work quickly and easily. Though it can be challenging to rise above frustration and embrace a calm focus, doing so can mean the difference between feeling stressed or productive. Simply by choosing to release stressful thoughts and bring ourselves back into mental and emotional balance, we immediately feel more in control of our situation. Our focus then improves, our stress evaporates, and we are able to continue with our work feeling inspired and confident. With an intention to embrace a calm focus in all of your activities today, you will give yourself the freedom and flexibility needed to overcome distractions and complete your work with ease.

Yesterday couldn't have been farther from calm. Oh, it started out fine with a typical morning at the office followed by errands, laundry, housekeeping and packing for vacation but then things went terribly awry.

You see, Beren is still having "issues" with his ex-wife which are causing us quite a bit of stress. The details don't matter, it's about what most causes many divorces and subsequently post-divorce fracas: Money. Oh, yeah, and more importantly: Children. Though the dirty deed was finalized nearly two years ago (after a lengthy separation), they have still not found an amicable, peaceful way to communicate. Is it her fault? Yes. Is it his fault? Yes. As we divorce survivors know, there are always two sides to every story and I am close enough to the situation to see both sides, even if I don't always agree with them.

So, moving forward to yesterday, we had an appointment scheduled with his attorney for the afternoon, just before picking up his girls and heading out of town with them. Probably not the best timing but logistically there was no other way. From the way things have been playing out lately, I knew in my heart that this was not going to be a "normal" exchange of children. I anticipated drama at the least, a major upset at the most, but what I didn't expect his girls being escorted to our car by police escort. I didn't think it would get that far, couldn't imagine his ex would barricade them in the house & refuse to send them out to us, leaving him no option but to get law enforcement involved.

As you can imagine, the three-hour ride to our destination was not pleasant. The children were tense, I was upset & shaking, Beren was furious. I ask you this: what happened to doing things in the "best interest of the children?" Somehow along the way that notion was tossed out the window, wasn't it? Because surely this level of chronic stress & pressure can't be good for them, it certainly isn't for me. I've seen divorce from every aspect now and while I've made some mistakes along the way, I always tried to keep my children's interests a top priority, protecting them as best I could. I am rewarded with an amazing relationship with Strider, Husband #1, and a (mostly) amicable relationship with Husband #2. Let's face it, the aftermath of a stormy divorce isn't always smooth sailing but it doesn't have to be a constant typhoon either.

Today is a new day and I'm hoping things will settle down, that we will find some peace & harmony if only in This House, under my roof, because that's the only thing I can attempt to control. As for the rest of it, I guess at this point a court date is in our future, and all that that entails.

Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it.

Independence Day

Today I am reflecting upon a difference type of independence, not just of one country separating from another. Due in part to an "incident" with my ex-husband yesterday, I am doing some deep soul searching about what it means to cut oneself off from a person, how to know when it's necessary to do so, and then how to go about making the break.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I have been married twice and have three wonderful daughters from those unions. To the very best of my ability, I have maintained good relationships with my exes, not only in the best interest of the children but also because I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't want constant turmoil and dissension, believed that just because we couldn't make our marriage(s) work didn't mean that we couldn't be, if not friends, at least friendly. This attitude served me well with my first husband, he has been an integral part of my family for the past 22 years since our divorce. This is no small feat considering the history that he and Beren share but we have managed to make it work quite well and I believe Kali is better for it, we all are.

Now, with Husband #2 it has been more challenging, to say the least. Our marriage lasted longer (16 years) and we had more invested in it. In addition to our children we had a business, a home, debt, savings, etc. etc. which has provided more opportunity for conflict and drama. Add to that the fact that he remarried shortly after our divorce, without telling our daughters, to a controlling woman who made it her life's mission to cut me out of his life completely despite the fact that we still had minor children to co-parent. That union only lasted a year but it did as much nearly as much damage to our family as our own break-up did, if you can possibly imagine that.

But, as they say, life goes on and for the past couple of years "T" and I have been civil if not always cozy, I have continued to involve him in every aspect of our children's lives whenever possible. He attends every family event including my own parents' birthdays, he was one of the pallbearers at my mother's funeral. At Kali's wedding he escorted his daughters, Lily and Bambi, down the aisle. I had hoped that after 5 years of divorce things would settle down for good, we would no longer argue and continue to hurt each other. Hasn't enough of that been done, after all? But apparently that was not to be.

Without going into too much detail, let me just say that money truly is the root of all evil, at least in the case of this man. It rules his life, it is what he values most, always has been and apparently always will be. He puts it above all else, his daughters included. This is something we've always understood but never accepted, continued to hope that one day he would get his priorities in order and see that there is so much more to life than the mighty dollar. Hours of texting and heated conversations yesterday proved otherwise. He is still angry and bitter and attacking me in the only way he can right now: through money, and through and at the expense of our children.

Today I woke up with my eyes swollen from crying all day, deflated and defeated. I give up. It is obvious to me that I simply cannot remain in relationship with this person in any capacity. It is toxic to my health and well-being, not to mention what it is doing to my family. I ache for him, for the good parts that I loved and married, for the man he could be, for the father he should be. But I am not responsible for him. Not anymore. I have to cut loose, I have no move on. Yes, we will always be parents together and I am grateful for the beautiful, amazing children we created but that is all. I owe him nothing more than that. Not my loyalty, not my love, not even my friendship.

So, I release you, "T," I wish you the best in your life from here. I will always treasure the memories, will always look at our daughters and appreciate the part of you that is in them, continue to hope that someday you wake up and realize just how rich you truly are in ways that are so much more significant than your bank account. You cannot put a price on family, there is not enough money in the world to take the place of your children.

Be well, "T," Goodbye.

But It is Personal

The Way I See It #17, originally uploaded by Wonderlane.

"Don't take it personally." How often have we all heard that phrase? Whenever I discuss it with my friend Jersey she is incredulous, "But it IS personal, how can I not take it that way?" Exactly.

So, yesterday when I learned that Beren's ex is going out of town over the holidays, sans her children, we naturally assumed that they'd come here with us. Imagining that they might be feeling a bit sad that they wouldn't be spending Christmas with their Mom, we decided to send an e-mail and let them know that they were very much wanted here at our home, to please let us know what they would like to do. Honestly, we know they'd rather be with their Mom but surely we're a next-best-thing! Right?

The reply came this morning, short and cryptic and ever-so-polite. "We'll discuss it, don't know where we want to be but we will let you know" was the gist of it. Wow. Ouch.

Though I understand the dynamics of blended families/divorce well from every aspect, though I have raised teenagers of my own and am well aware of their emotional mood swings, I still feel hurt and, yes, rejected. I mean, why wouldn't anyone want to be here with us, with our family? We're wonderful! People leave their own families to gather around our table, to eat and drink and laugh with us! We make everyone feel welcome and loved here! Christmas is especially fun as we bake and decorate and do crafts, all kinds of great stuff. And yet, I get the distinct feeling that these two young ladies would rather be elsewhere and they are scrambling right now to find other options. I don't judge them, of course, they are entitled to their own feelings and desires but still...it hurts...

So, yes, I'm going to take it personally. It is Personal. It's about ME, my Home, my Family. There's no other way to take it, and it is especially wrenching because I have done my damnest to make them feel welcome here, to embrace them and include them in everything, feel that they truly are part of my family. And yet, apparently they don't think so, and that just breaks my heart.

In addition to all of this, I'm also dealing with the absence of my oldest friend, one I've known since we were in middle school. She's the one who's been here for me no matter what happens, through thick and thin. We haven't seen each other in years, though, even though she lives a city away. We've discussed it, promised to do better about keeping in touch, etc. etc. And yet, we haven't spoken in months, since right after Mom was diagnosed. I get an occasional email telling me she's ever-so-busy..etc..etc...aren't we all? I don't give up, though, sent her another note on Monday, hoping we could reconnect before the holidays. The response: Ever so busy, will try to do better. She didn't even inquire about Mom. So, how am I supposed to take this? Personally? You betcha.

Off to take Mom to radiation now, then to work, hope to find a better mood and attitude before the day is over..