Broken-Hearted

I might have mentioned this (a hundred times) before..I am not very good at changes, especially those which involve people leaving. While no one loves to say good-bye, I am especially bad at it. I admit: I have abandonment issues.



Well, in the past couple of months I've had to deal head on with this issue, thanks to changes in our family dynamics (read: people leaving). I am sorry to report that Kali & Kevin separated a couple of months ago, and a reconciliation does not seem likely. Kevin got an apartment on his own, leaving Kristyn and their furbabies behind. Kali is still at home with us, moving on with her life as best she can with the help of her family and friends. Only the two of them know exactly what happens, I only have bits & pieces of stories which add up an unhappy ending to what we believed to be a storybook romance. As if that weren't sad enough, Kevin has chosen to cut himself off from the only family he has really known for the past six years, changing his phone number & e-mail address and deleting us from his Facebook account. While I understand his anger and hurt, he is directing it at the wrong people..in my humble opinion, of course.

On the heels of this, yesterday Beren's girls made a similar decision. We picked them up Monday evening for the long-awaited summer vacation with their dad. Though things have been a bit shaky at times, we had hoped that we would have some quality time together...a week of beach & water park days followed by lazy evenings on the patio, maybe a movie or two thrown in if we got bored. This was not to be the case. By Tuesday morning my nerves were shot, I already knew that things were not going to go well. One's attitude was snobbish to the point of rudeness, the other was a nervous wreck. Both spent as much time as possible holed up in their rooms, apparently just "doing their time" until Sunday night when they could return home. We couldn't stand it. We spoke up, asked for an explanation, understanding..something to help us bridge the gap and make things better, to no avail. Wednesday morning they woke up and informed us that they wanted to go home, that in fact they never want to come up to Ormond with us again. That clearly we can't "get along" and we should stop trying to "force it." They maintain that they never want to be with us, that they lie and manipulate the situation in order to avoid it. There was more, but I'll spare you further details. A couple of hours & a river of tears later, they were gone. Their grandfather who lives nearby took them to his house until their mother arrived to take them home. I couldn't, wouldn't, say goodbye. I took Loki and went outside, too hurt and upset to deal with it. Confused & shellshocked, Beren and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking, him trying to figure out where & how he may have failed as a parent, me fighting the incredible feeling of hatred and rejection. Neither of us thought this "blended family" thing was going to be easy, but we never imagined it would turn out like this.



Where do we go from here? At this point Beren has chosen to give up his "forced" visitation unless the girls truly want to see him. I suggested that a couple days prior to his regularly scheduled weekend he e-mail them, invite them to see him, put it out there, and leave it up to them. They are 14 - 1/2 and 17..old enough to make some decisions for themselves. At least they will know that they are wanted and loved, whether or not they choose to respond is their decision.

So, in the span of a few months my family has lost a minimum of three members. I am disillusioned and broken-hearted.

Unsettled

Phases Of Appreciation ~ Leo Daily Horoscope

Unsettled feelings can plague you today, putting you in an uncomfortable and edgy frame of mind. This can be the result of your having had a recent disagreement with someone you care deeply about, or your unwillingness to give way in an interpersonal conflict with an acquaintance. Your brooding mood will likely have no effect on your situation, however, and the stress you feel can even interfere with your well-being today. Easing your anxiety can be as easy as reminding yourself that your relationships, whatever their nature, will likely change in many appreciable ways over the course of your life and that talking about differences is often the best way to resolve them.

When we recognize and accept that the love we feel for the special people in our lives will wax and wane as time goes by, we can weather challenging periods in our relationships without questioning the strength of the bonds that unite us. Our ability to maintain a positive attitude during periods of interpersonal conflict ensures that we do not feel unduly stressed or strained by the natural rigors that are a part of all emotional partnerships. Our readiness to approach such difficulties rationally instead of allowing our emotions to interfere with our judgment ensures that we, in partnership with the individuals most important to us, are capable of resolving our differences in a focused and effective fashion. When you act constructively instead of brooding in response to personal conflict today, it will no doubt be resolved more quickly and more easily than you might expect.


Last weekend I had an altercation with a very dear friend and it is indeed still haunting me this morning. It's a long story but basically what happened is that both of our emotions were running high due to some issues in our lives and as a result feelings got hurt, misunderstandings occurred and words were spoken that probably shouldn't have been. I tried to resolve the situation the next morning but failed. The ball is now in her court and I am not sure where to go from here.

Though I'm hurt and upset, I have also taken some time this past week to reflect on the nature of our friendship, reviewing how we met, the circumstances surrounding our connection, why and how we fit into each others lives. There has been some strain between us for a couple of months now which I've acknowledged to Beren but not to my friend herself. Perhaps this blow-up was a result of the ongoing, unresolved tension and it needed to be released?

I'm still pondering all of this but I am thinking that maybe we needed to redefine our relationship at this point. When we met our situations were different and I relied on her for certain things that are no longer relevant. I "needed" her at that time and now, though I love and want her in my life, there is no longer a need. This, of course, has changed the dynamics of the relationship, changing the balance of power, if you will. Now that she is no longer in that role, where does she fit in? Can we take the good parts of us and use them to build a different sort of friendship, one on a more even keel?

I hope so but am also willing to honor and accept the fact that we may no longer have the same "level" of connection that we once did and will need to figure out what that means and where to go from here. I just wish she'd call me so that we can talk, hate having unresolved issues, closure one way or another is so important to me.

No matter what, I still love her and will always cherish the times we had and her importance in my life and continue to hope that we can get beyond this to a stronger, better place in our relationship.