Tuesday, May 26, 2009


The Nightmare by John Henry Fuseli

I had a horrible dream last night, am still shaking from it. I had fallen asleep feeling anxious and upset about a couple of things, not the least of which was, as always on my mind: Mom's death. I was reliving the chemo, the radiation, the surgery, the final days and hours until she passed. All of that came out in the dream and perhaps much more...

I was in a mortuary and the mortician was working on my Mom. Suddenly she opened her eyes and asked where she was.

I said, "Mom, you're dead..you're dead, Mom."

She shook her head and said, "No, no! Why? But why?"

At that point I became so angry, shouting at her, "Because of the cigarettes, Mom, you wouldn't quit smoking, you just wouldn't quit!"

I was sobbing and yelling and grabbing her, hysterical. She replied quietly, "It was the poison, Michele," meaning the chemo.

Then I said, "But the chemo, Mom, was because of the damned cigarettes! Why wouldn't you quit? Why wouldn't you quit for US?? Why? Why?"

"I'm sorry."

I can't remember whether or not I forgave her..


linda said...

dear rapunzel, I am sure you know about the stages of grief and that you are dreaming, tho very unpleasant I'm sure, is another way for your psyche to process it's pain...I am so sorry for this pain you and your family is in however this dream , to me, indicates perhaps you are moving through it...my thoughts and prayers go with you, as always....I am glad you are back to you blog!
xoxoxo ~ many blessings to you...

Jen said...


Sorrow said...

guess it's more important that you realize it bothers you that she never quit. step one
let go
step 2
let it be.
Step 3
here's a hug

Rapunzel said...

Linda, I hope that I am moving through it but I feel that I've been stuck in the "anger" stage for quite a while. :-(

Rapunzel said...

Thank you for the hug, Jen. xoxo

Rapunzel said...

Thank you, Sorrow.

kim said...

You forgave her. Getting angry is part of the process of grieving.

It'd been a year and a half since I quit and now my husnabd is slowly quitting.