I had a horrible dream last night, am still shaking from it. I had fallen asleep feeling anxious and upset about a couple of things, not the least of which was, as always on my mind: Mom's death. I was reliving the chemo, the radiation, the surgery, the final days and hours until she passed. All of that came out in the dream and perhaps much more...
I was in a mortuary and the mortician was working on my Mom. Suddenly she opened her eyes and asked where she was.
I said, "Mom, you're dead..you're dead, Mom."
She shook her head and said, "No, no! Why? But why?"
At that point I became so angry, shouting at her, "Because of the cigarettes, Mom, you wouldn't quit smoking, you just wouldn't quit!"
I was sobbing and yelling and grabbing her, hysterical. She replied quietly, "It was the poison, Michele," meaning the chemo.
Then I said, "But the chemo, Mom, was because of the damned cigarettes! Why wouldn't you quit? Why wouldn't you quit for US?? Why? Why?"
I can't remember whether or not I forgave her..