Flattened

I am trying to stay positive, I really am, but there has been so much crap going on lately, I feel flattened, just like Stanley up there.

In a nutshell, the past month has been a series of mishaps in several areas of my life - financial, personal, professional. From big things such as $400 vet bills, hateful e-mails from Beren's daughter, moving one child to college only to move her back less than a week later, a situation at work which may result in me losing my job, to smaller incidents of flat tires, burnt dinners and bounced checks, it's all just weighed on me to the point of exhaustion.

I know that there are much worse problems, that I am incredibly grateful to have a wonderful family and good friends, a nice home which I share with healthy, beautiful daughters and the love of my life. We are all healthy. Really, I am not making light of these things but how much ongoing stress is one person supposed to handle before they simply collapse?

I wake up with trepidation, wondering how many minutes or hours it’s going to be before the next catastrophe hits. Not a good way to live!

My friend Jersey says all of this chaos is due to Mercury in Retrograde and if so I'm gonna hole up in my house and wait for September 12th when it's all over!
Anybody want to join me? I'll supply the wine if you bring the chocolate.

Bittersweet

bit·ter·sweet (btr-swt)
n.

1. Bitter and sweet at the same time: bittersweet chocolate.
2. Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure: a movie with a bittersweet ending.

It's a bittersweet time here at the Castle, emotions are all over the map. You see, my littlest bird, my Bambi, has decided to go away for college. A natural, normal event, of course, but one I'm not quite ready for. (Is any mother ever ready for her babies to leave the nest?) She made the decision a few months ago and though I am so proud of her courage and independence, I admit there was a part of me who held onto the hope that she would change her mind. No, not my Bambi, once she makes a decision she sticks with it. She has a goal and she's going to meet it, come hell or high water.

So yesterday our family made the trip to the big ol' college town of her choice, unloaded B's possessions and proceeded to set her up in a little apartment.





Beren and I got her all settled in and then took she and her friends out to lunch...




made a run to the grocery store because there's no way I could leave her with an empty fridge! Then I reluctantly said goodbye, doing my best not to break down sobbing, and made the 2 hour drive back to our Ormond house. Kali & Lindsey stayed with her overnight, as did her boyfriend, so she won't be really alone until tonight.
I know there will be some homesick moments, days when she's tempted to pack up her kitten and head south, but I think she'll resist. She'll be ok..she really will..me? Well, that might be another story. I am dreading returning home to find her empty room, devoid of her pictures, momentos..the very essence of Bambi. I hope I can be as strong as she is.

In the meantime, my other kids will be stopping here for dinner before heading home, so I'll put my energies into the kitchen as I always due when feeling blue. A simply pasta dinner is in order, my Mom's Brownie Chip Cookies for dessert. These are the cookies mom has made over the years for every family occasion, happy and sad, we could always count on these delicious goodies being part of it. I'd like to think Mom's with me today, nodding with understanding and surrounding me with warm comforting hugs.



SAM'S BROWNIE CHIP COOKIES

1 box brownie mix
1 c. chocolate chips
2 eggs
1/4 c. oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease cookie sheets. Combine mix, eggs,, and oil in large bowl. Beat about 50 strokes by hand. Stir in chips. Drop by rounded teaspoon on baking sheets. Bake 8 to 10 minutes. Cookies are soft to touch. Cool slightly before removing from baking sheet.

Note: these are not the prettiest cookies in the world..grin..but I promise you after one bite you won't care!

Blessings,

Eat, Pray, Love

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

My daughters and I went to see the movie yesterday, an early birthday celebration. To say that I enjoyed it is an understatement. I was deeply, profoundly moved. There were so many amazing moments, so many meaningful quotes..truly a life-altering experience.

Today is my 46th birthday and, like always, I will choose to honor today as my own personal New Year. There's much I'd like to accomplish over the coming year, changes I want to make and dreams to fulfill...I've decided that the title of Ms. Gilbert's book is the perfect theme for this, my 47th year on the planet..

EAT...mindfully and with passion
PRAY...and trust in the answers
LOVE...with wild abandon

Sounds like it's going to be one amazing year! Off to get started..

Blessings,

Alone Time

First, let me apologize for the appearance of my blog at the moment. My "webmistress" Kali is working diligently to get my background back but is having some difficulty. Since she's already a very busy lady running a business and my household while I'm away, it might take her just a little bit longer to get things up & running.

Today's horoscope is perfect. My Moontime arrived last night, earlier than I'd expected but considering the current emotional upheaval, it makes perfect sense. I'm going to take some time for myself today, perhaps immerse myself in a good book and then take an evening stroll on the beach..something to clear my head and allow it to process the events of the past few days.

August 7, 2010
Alone Time
Leo Daily Horoscope

Your need for privacy could be strong today, which may make you seek seclusion in a place that feels safe. While you might not feel lonely, your desire to be alone might be due to your need to sort out your thoughts. This would provide you with a wonderful opportunity to truly listen to what your soul wants. If you can, you might envision that your home is a sanctuary today, enveloped in a bright, healing energetic field. Within this space, you have the freedom to explore the depths of your spirit. With each breath you might imagine that you are moving closer to the truth that lies within you. Once you are comfortable and your mind is calm, you might wish to focus your attention on the more tangible issues in your life, asking yourself what course of action you should take.

Time alone gives us the space to reflect on our lives. For most of us, our lives are filled with responsibilities and activities, meaning we are never truly alone but are always surrounded both physically and emotionally by others. Sequestering ourselves away for even an hour, however, gives us breathing room. Without the distractions of other people, we are better able to connect with our deepest selves—the part of us that truly knows what we want and need to be fulfilled. As you make time for yourself today, you will better hear what your soul wants to communicate to you and do what is true for yourself.

Recovery

Well, despite a very rocky start, Beren and I did manage to reclaim our vacation and have a little bit of fun.

We made the 40-minute drive to St. Augustine, had a lunch at a lovely restaurant at the historic Casa Monica Hotel..



(that's Flagler College across the street)



and we enjoyed happy hour at a great little place where mermaids rule!



introduced Loki to some...umm..wildlife! ewww!!!



got up early and watched the sunrise...



a fresh start, even though it's nearly the end of our vacation...

Blessings,

Broken-Hearted

I might have mentioned this (a hundred times) before..I am not very good at changes, especially those which involve people leaving. While no one loves to say good-bye, I am especially bad at it. I admit: I have abandonment issues.



Well, in the past couple of months I've had to deal head on with this issue, thanks to changes in our family dynamics (read: people leaving). I am sorry to report that Kali & Kevin separated a couple of months ago, and a reconciliation does not seem likely. Kevin got an apartment on his own, leaving Kristyn and their furbabies behind. Kali is still at home with us, moving on with her life as best she can with the help of her family and friends. Only the two of them know exactly what happens, I only have bits & pieces of stories which add up an unhappy ending to what we believed to be a storybook romance. As if that weren't sad enough, Kevin has chosen to cut himself off from the only family he has really known for the past six years, changing his phone number & e-mail address and deleting us from his Facebook account. While I understand his anger and hurt, he is directing it at the wrong people..in my humble opinion, of course.

On the heels of this, yesterday Beren's girls made a similar decision. We picked them up Monday evening for the long-awaited summer vacation with their dad. Though things have been a bit shaky at times, we had hoped that we would have some quality time together...a week of beach & water park days followed by lazy evenings on the patio, maybe a movie or two thrown in if we got bored. This was not to be the case. By Tuesday morning my nerves were shot, I already knew that things were not going to go well. One's attitude was snobbish to the point of rudeness, the other was a nervous wreck. Both spent as much time as possible holed up in their rooms, apparently just "doing their time" until Sunday night when they could return home. We couldn't stand it. We spoke up, asked for an explanation, understanding..something to help us bridge the gap and make things better, to no avail. Wednesday morning they woke up and informed us that they wanted to go home, that in fact they never want to come up to Ormond with us again. That clearly we can't "get along" and we should stop trying to "force it." They maintain that they never want to be with us, that they lie and manipulate the situation in order to avoid it. There was more, but I'll spare you further details. A couple of hours & a river of tears later, they were gone. Their grandfather who lives nearby took them to his house until their mother arrived to take them home. I couldn't, wouldn't, say goodbye. I took Loki and went outside, too hurt and upset to deal with it. Confused & shellshocked, Beren and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking, him trying to figure out where & how he may have failed as a parent, me fighting the incredible feeling of hatred and rejection. Neither of us thought this "blended family" thing was going to be easy, but we never imagined it would turn out like this.



Where do we go from here? At this point Beren has chosen to give up his "forced" visitation unless the girls truly want to see him. I suggested that a couple days prior to his regularly scheduled weekend he e-mail them, invite them to see him, put it out there, and leave it up to them. They are 14 - 1/2 and 17..old enough to make some decisions for themselves. At least they will know that they are wanted and loved, whether or not they choose to respond is their decision.

So, in the span of a few months my family has lost a minimum of three members. I am disillusioned and broken-hearted.

Since I've Been Gone

Winter.....



has turned to Spring....



and along with the change of season came some changes here at the Castle. I'm not quite ready to share the details yet but in the meantime here's what's been keeping me busy...

some gardening....



a little Wenching...



a bit of dining....



the usual cooking & entertaining...



just the right amount of relaxing...



a bit of mourning...



and a lot of puppy-raising!







I hope all is well with you, my dears, and promise to keep in touch more often. I miss my blogger friends!

xoxoxoxo

Howling at the Moon

No, it's not the full moon yet but I'm howling anyway! You see, there's a reason for my short absence, and his picture is below....





Meet Loki, my new wolf-dog puppy! Yep, you read that right, I adopted myself a wolf-dog pup! Now, those of you who know me in "real life" aren't surprised because I have been fascinated (some would say obsessed) with wolves for years now, ever since I read Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes and felt an instant connection. Over the past few years I've volunteered at a wolf sanctuary and have given serious thought to adopting a wolf dog but didn't think I was ready yet. Well, two weeks ago this little guy's picture showed up in my mailbox with this description: 4 months old, loves the water, gets along well with cats and other animals. Is 90% housebrokenWhoa! We rarely have a pup come up for adoption and the fact that he does well with cats was a huge plus! After a quick consultation with the family we decided to go for it. So, the adoption process began. We were approved on Monday and made the hour and a half long drive last night to pick up our new baby!

I'm madly in love. Seriously. He is an absolute angel. A big, furry, messy angel but an angel nonetheless! We named him Loki after the mischievous Norse god..grin...from what I can see so far his name suits him perfectly! Here he is below with a couple more family members, Presley & Lucy.



So, if I'm absent in the next few days don't worry. I'm just busy exercising (walking Loki, mopping the floor after he & Lucy track in mud) and cooking (well, not exactly cooking as Loki eats raw meat in addition to his kibble) and getting to know our new bundle of joy!

Hugs & Wolf Kisses,

Corporate Wifey?

I'm playing the "corporate wife" for a couple of days, even thought I'm not exactly a wife and Beren is not actually a corporate big-wig. *grin* You see, his job sometimes requires a bit of traveling, just across the state, and I always manage to tag along. Even if we're just staying at a Hampton Inn in some podunk town, I am still in a hotel room, with My Man, alone. While he's at meetings and such, I enjoy long luxurious hours to myself reading, blogging, watching movies, lounging by the pool, using the hotel fitness center, etc. Sometimes I drop him off at his destination and take the car to go shopping or exploring, maybe get a pedicure as I did yesterday. It's heavenly!

The only real downside of the whole thing is the dining experience, or lack thereof. You all know how much I enjoy cooking and honestly am not a big fan of eating out. When I do, it's for a special occasion or out of necessity. For the most part, I prefer my own cooking! Even though I'm not gourmet or always fancy, I know what ingredients I'm putting on my table and into my mouth! When traveling, however, I'm obviously at the mercy or whatever restaurant we happen upon. Often this can be a wonderful thing as we've discovered some really great little treasures, but sometimes not so much.

Yesterday was a good example of both experiences. For lunch, I was determined to find a local restaurant, did not want the same old chains we have at home. After driving all over Naples, testing Beren's patience and running out of time, we finally found an adorable little place that was well worth the effort, Spanky's Speakeasy.



The decor was adorable, I was entertained just looking around at all of the antiques, posters, etc that adorn the walls. Everything was spotlessly clean including the ladies room, a biggie for me!





Being mostly-vegetarian, my meal choices were a bit limited. Other than salad, there wasn't much on the menu that didn't include meat. Though the salad bar looked great, I was in the mood for a sandwich so I settled for the tuna salad, asking them to make it into a wrap. No problem there but when I requested a substitution of fresh fruit for the potato chips I was told it would cost $2.00 extra! I'm not cheap but I thought that was a bit much so I declined. Beren had the rib special which came with steak fries, $8.00. He said that while they weren't the best ribs he'd ever had, they were good and the price and portion size was perfect for a weekday lunch. My sandwich was adequate, typical tuna salad, nothing special, but it was a generous size and I found myself taking half of it to go.



Overall, a good lunch time experience. I would like to see more health-conscious items on the menu but I understand that this is a deli-type place and not catering to the crunchy crowd. We peeked into the bar area on the way out, would love to come back for cocktail hour another day!

For dinner we visited our favorite Irish pub of all time, The Celtic Ray, were really looking forward to it since we hadn't been there in a couple of years. Imagine our dismay when we walked up to find this sign:



Uh-oh! Now what? Well, the doors were wide open with people inside so we decided to go in anyway. It turns out that the original owner, Kevin Doyle, had re-acquired his bar and it was supposed to officially re-open yet there was a glitch in the system which caused a delay. Not one to turn away friends/patrons, Kevin opened the doors and served beer, wine & chips for free, just requesting a small donation if you were so inclined. Beautiful! We shared a pint with Mr. Doyle and got the scoop on what had happened to him since we'd been gone, what a story!





Since dining at the Ray was not an option but we were still craving some Irish grub, Kevin lead us to the next best thing, a pub called the Ice House Pub. While we enjoyed the meal, the fish & chips were not quite as good as expected and the atmosphere was much too loud & busy so we headed back to the hotel for the night.



So, that's where I am now, lounging about in the room while Beren fulfills his work obligations. He'll be back by noon when we'll check out and head to lunch, stay tuned!

Mixed Signals

Since Beren and I started going to the Ormond house at least every other weekend, we've naturally been spending less time with friends. With everyone's busy schedule, working and taking care of our families, there simply isn't much time to socialize. When we're up north we have tons of alone time, even with his children visiting, so when we get home we are rested, fulfilled and looking to hang out with those who we love & cherish. Family dinners become oh-so-important, as does hanging out with good friends. And yet..I've noticed something happening, more & more often. Our friends say they miss us, say they want to get together, yet it never seems to happen. I've had several occasions where they have actually made plans with us and yet canceled at the last minute because they're tired, etc. Now, I completely understand, these things happen! I myself have had to cancel on a social engagement recently due to a sick child, and though I felt badly we all understand that kids come first! But when these things happen repeatedly one must look at oneself and one's relationships and evaluate. These friends who "miss" us so much, don't you think they'd make an extra effort to get together? And how about the ones who find themselves right down the block from us and yet don't bother to call or txt to invite us to join them? Or how about the half-hearted, "give me a call and let me know when we can get together" which puts the ball back in my court, or does it? I'm thinking if you really want to see me you'd call and directly ask me, "Hey, Rapunzel, I'd really like to see you. How about lunch next Tuesday?" When this happens again & again what am I to think? Eventually I have to believe that their actions speak louder than words and for whatever reason they simply don't want to make the time for us in their lives. That's all well and good, I just wish they'd come out and say so because frankly I'm getting mixed signals, don't know where I stand and frankly I don't do well with that. I'm a Leo. Warm, loving & loyal to a fault but eventually even I get tired of putting effort into something and not getting anything back. It's exhausting. I'd rather people just call it like it is. "Listen, we care about you but we simply 1) don't have time for your friendship or 2) you're a crappy friend and I don't like you anymore or 3) don't need you anymore now that you're not fulfilling some purpose in my life." Whatever the truth is, I'd just like to know because I can handle any of those reasons. What I can't handle is the not knowing. What I can't stand is inauthenticity. I've lost several friendships over the past couple of years, for various reasons, and though it pained me greatly it was done cleanly and honestly.

I just wish these so-called friends would do the same. Find time for our relationship, explain to me why you can't and we'll redefine it, or let it go. Because this "I miss you badly but can't bother to call you" crap is making me nuts. Frankly, I'd rather be alone. And since my friends are one of the few things keeping me from moving north full time, I'd rather know if that's not an obstacle anymore.

Daily OM
The Friend We Want To Be
Evaluating Our Relationships

There comes a time in all our lives when we may need to evaluate our relationships, making sure that they are having a positive effect on us, rather than dragging us down. Without realizing it, we may be spending precious time and energy engaging in friendships that let us down, rather than cultivating ones that support and nourish us along our path. Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy. We can do so much more in this world when we are surrounded by people who understand what we’re trying to do and who positively support our efforts to walk our path.

We can begin this evaluation process by simply noticing how we feel in the context of each one of our close relationships. We may begin to see that an old friend is still carrying negative attitudes or ideas that we ourselves need to let go of in order to move forward. Or we may find that we have a long-term relationship with someone who has a habit of letting us down, or not showing up for us when we need support. There are many ways to go about changing the status quo in situations like this, having a heart to heart with our friend showing through example. This process isn’t so much about abandoning old friends as it is about shifting our relationships so that they support us on our journey rather than holding us back.

An important part of this process is looking at ourselves and noticing what kind of friend we are to the people in our lives. We might find that as we adjust our own approach to a relationship, challenging ourselves to be more supportive and positive, our friends make adjustments as well and the whole world benefits.