La Loba at Peace

Though I can still hear the faint scratching and distant howls, I believe I've managed to escape the worst for now.

Combining advice from all of you along with my own instincts, I didn't completely succumb to the darkness; instead I spent the afternoon and evening with intentional self-nurturing. First, an afternoon float in the pool, allowed the hot sun and fresh air to work it's magic. Then, a nap with a sweet purring kitten. Got up and tidied my house while chatting with a good friend. Cleared the dining room table and set it. Lit fresh candles and turned on Andrea Bocelli. Loudly. Poured a glass of wine and prepared dinner. When Beren called to say he was on the way home, I popped dinner in the oven and took my wine outside to enjoy while waiting for him. We had dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, and then when he sat down to watch tv I unearthed my long-lost yarn basket and started crocheting an afghan. Beren was shocked, had never seen me crochet, LOL, but I realized that I can't simply sit and watch inane tv with him night after night, yet I don't want to leave him there alone either. Needlework is the perfect solution. I can do my thing while still being with him, and now & then I enjoy a minute or two of whatever he's watching. At 10 pm we turned off the tv and read for a while, then off to bed. Perfect. I went to sleep feeling relaxed and fulfilled having done the things that nourish me body & soul, and this morning I feel much more equipped to handle the day and whatever gets thrown at me. I'm up, bed made, curtains open, ready for work. As I type I'm listening to a stunning piece of opera recommended by a musical friend...achingly beautiful.

"Filling the well" is what several of my friends call it..you simply can't give to others if your own well is empty. I need to remember that, and take the time to care for myself so that I can continue to be there for others who need me right now.

Thank you, my friends, for being there for me, for "listening" and holding my hand as I struggle with the dark times. I am feeling quite blessed this morning, and the wolves are simply singing...

Wolf at the Door

Now, you know that I love wolves and certainly wouldn't mind one showing up on my doorstep, but there's no other expression that applies. For as long as I can remember I have suffered depression, years before I knew there was a term for it or that I could do something about it. I tried therapy and various medications, and they worked for a time, but the monster was, and is, always there, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce at any given moment. This usually happens when I'm exhausted, worn down, stressed out. It preys on my weakness, snatches me up and carries me away when I'm too exhausted to fight it. Like now.

I've been trying hard to stay strong, resisting the urge to give in to the demons that call me, refusing to pull the shades in my bedroom and retreat to the comfort of my cool white sheets. But it's so hard. Just too hard. I can't bear to go to Mom's another day, watching her struggle to breathe, to walk, to eat. I am not strong enough to sit with her and smile and make mindless chitchat while looking into her distant eyes, trying not to notice her thinning hair and skeletal frame. It's devastating, it's wrenching, it's just too much to ask anyone to bear. No one should go though this - not me, not my children, not my father, and certainly, most importantly, not my Mother.

There are days when I am positive and upbeat, expecting the very best and believing that somehow all will be well. Then there are those when I'm furious, when I rant and wail and curse the gods or whomever allowed this insidious disease to exist. Those are the good days, actually, the ones where if nothing else I feel alive, I feel some emotion at all. Then there are days like today, when all is bleak and black and the only thing I feel is quiet desperation. These are the days when I hear the wolf scratching at the door, howling, teeth bared..these are the days when I want to give in and just go with him down into those familiar dark places of my soul. Because surely the nothingness of depression must better than this.

Monday Menu Planning

I'm still working mainly from what I have on hand in pantry & freezer, it's amazing how much I had stocked away and how many meals I can make from it! This past Saturday night I made a big C*O*R*N dinner, served the family a smorgasbord of dishes from tacos to fried shrimp. They thought it was fun being able to create their own menu and it sure cleaned out the fridge!

So, here's my menu for the week, but I have to ask you guys - do you want me to still give the recipes day by day or are links here good enough for you? Or does it matter? *grin* Let me know, I can go either way!

Now, this week is a bit heavy on pasta, I know, but that's what I have an abundance of and everyone loves it anyway.

*Monday - Baked Spaghetti (I'll be using veggie crumbles instead of the beef)
Tuesday - Veggie Brown Rice Wraps
*Wednesday - Shortcut Minestrone
*Thursday - Shrimp Tetrazzini
*Friday - Soup & Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
*Saturday - Take-out Pizza or Dinner Out
*Sunday - Grilled burgers and hot dogs

Happiness Is...Summer at the Castle

I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but we have an "open house" just about every Sunday during the summer. All of our friends & family know that they can drop by at any point during the afternoon and, weather permitting, they'll find us poolside. Beren's grilling, I'm whipping up side dishes in the kitchen, drinks are flowing, music is blasting...just overall a relaxing good time. Some Sundays we have a full house, others it's just us. Yesterday we were joined by my pseudo-brother, Arthur, who zipped over on two wheels, and Beren's two girls who were with us for the weekend. Afterward we headed to the beach for a snack, met Kali and Kevin there as well as my out-of-town Auntie.




Jezebel would really like to join the fun....

...and Jackson, too!


My favorite Auntie!

What a lovely day, can't wait for next Sunday!

On My Hearth: Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Beren likes to make big breakfasts on the weekends, especially when his girls are here. He normally whips up eggs & bacon, though, and we happen to be short in the egg department this week so I took over this week. This chocolate chip pancake recipe was frugal since I had all of the ingredients on hand and was a nice treat for his sweet-loving girls!



Easy Chocolate Chip Pancakes

2 cups Baking Mix (I use Bisquick)
1 cup Milk (I use 2 percent)
2 Eggs (I use Large)
Sugar
Vanilla
Semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat an electric griddle or large skillet on medium heat. It does not have to be hot for this recipe, and you’ll want some cooking spray too.

Follow the directions on the baking mix package to make the pancake batter. Add sugar and vanilla to taste, which is optional. Don’t stir the batter too much, it’s okay if there are still a few lumps of dry mix in it. You want it to be thick enough to hold together in the skillet, but not so thick that the pancakes don’t cook in the middle. It should pour from the spoon but not be runny. Too thick? Add a bit more milk. Too thin? Stir in a bit more dry mix and then readjust the sugar and vanilla to taste.

When the batter is the consistency you like, sprinkle some chocolate chips on top and stir in gently. Not enough? Stir in more! Once it’s just the way you like, drip a bit into the griddle or skillet. If it immediately turns brown, the griddle is too hot, turn it down. I find that pancakes turn out fluffier and more tender if they are cooked on lower heat.

Use a small ladle or spoon to form the pancakes on the griddle. Smaller is easier to flip. Once the edges are set and bubbles are popping up on the top, use a pancake turner to flip them over. It will just take a minute to set the other side. Serve with syrup, or powdered sugar, or whatever toppings you like. Makes 8 to 10 depending on size.

Thrifty Thursday (a day late)

Dad took my Mom for some more tests this afternoon, leaving my Ohio Aunt all alone for a few hours. So, I saved my thrifting for today and toted her along with me. She is truly the Thrift Shop Queen, says that up home the only thing she doesn't buy from thrift stores is undergarments and nighties! We had a nice time, a little reprieve for her from the caretaking of Mom, and I got some good bargains:

*Two vintage Pyrex bowls and one Fire King pie plate for Kali

*One vase for my dining room table, the colors are perfect!

*A wicker basket that I plan to use for bread & rolls

*10 brightly-colored cloth napkins, they look brand new!

*3 Hawaiian-type shirts for Beren, one of them a Pierre Cardin!

Grand total: $27.00. Not bad, huh?

In Pursuit of a Peaceful Home

Life at the castle is a bit unsettled at the moment, dear friends. With so many activities going in the past few months, Kali & Lily's graduations, Bambi's birthday, Kali's wedding and pre-event festivities..and then, of course, Mom's illness..well, it's taken it's toll on our home, on our lives, on our spirits. I'm behind on everything, from laundry to grocery shopping, just don't have the energy to do it all. Regular mealtimes have fallen by the wayside, even though I am cooking several nights a week we're rarely eating dinner together. Beren's been putting in longer hours as have I, and the girls' work schedules are all over the map so I never know when to plan dinner.

Overwhelmed and out of control, I talked to my friend Jersey because she always gives the best advice! *smile* She suggested a routine, a schedule, and gave me a couple of websites to peruse. This one especially resonated with me as it focused on ritual & routine in a very Zen-like manner. One of the most important components is a morning and bedtime "calming routine." Morning & Bedtime routines, I had those once-upon-a-time when I followed the S*H*E homemaking system (Jersey, remember that's how you and I met, on the SHE boards!). It worked very well; my life was more orderly and there was a nice marking point to begin and end my day. Once I got divorced though, the proverbial hell broke loose and my lifestyle changed dramatically. No excuse, though, it's been 4 years, things have calmed down tremendously in personal/professional areas, it's time to now focus on what is truly important: my home and family.

So, this week I'm going to focus on taking back some control of my life. A couple of things are already in place - Beren and I have a morning ritual together where we wake at the same time and have our first cup of coffee together before work. I have also started menu planning which is great for getting the food on the table but it doesn't help if there's no one here to eat it. So, an established dinnertime is needed, even if it's just two of us dining together. The nighttime will be harder, everyone stays up later than me and I tend to push myself even though I'm tired and should head to bed, I just don't want to miss anything. *grin* I'm suffering as a result, though, am tired and drained and that doesn't do my family any good either.

Tell me, do you all have a schedule and routine that you follow on a daily/weekly basis? If so, how does that work for you? I'd love to hear your suggestions!

Happiness Is...

A BIG wonderful, happy package in the mail!! oh, my goodness, I am so excited! You see, the fabulous Cat over at The Vintage Housewife did a drawing for some incredible vintage goodies, and I won!! What a sweet thing to come home to!

She gave me so many lovely vintage treasures, here's a pic of me wearing two of them, feeling quite the little pin-up!

Thank you so much, dear Cat, you have truly made my day and put a smile on this kitten's face.

Ladies Who Lunch

It's a busy time at work, Quarterlies are due, so I'm working more hours than usual. I don't mind since I really like to be busy and I do get a real sense of fulfillment from my current job. I love my co-workers, we have a lot of laughs and since we are a small company, it truly is like a family. Oh, and another good reason for the increased hours - I need the extra cash for an upcoming vacation but more about that later..wink..

You know, as much as I enjoyed being home full time in my "prior life," I admit that working, even part time, gives a sense of order and structure to my life. Without that, I find myself meandering through my days, puttering around and letting the hours slip away from me. I appreciate my home more since I'm in it less, and I find that getting up and going to the office gives me more energy, gets my body and brain moving!

Anyway, since I am usually home by 1 pm I rarely have occasion to pack a lunch so it's a real treat when I get to do so. Most of the ladies at my office grab fast food or a quick sandwich, but I'm on a budget so I'll be "brown bagging" it today. I prefer it that way, especially since I get to pack my pretty little Bento box like this...



and tuck it into this fun little tote bag...



Along with a glass of homemade iced tea, doesn't this just beat Burger King any day?!

So, off to work for this little gal...see you later!

Happiness Is...

*picking fresh basil from my garden for a little afternoon snack: Wasa light crisp crackers topped with Laughing Cow Light cheese, tomato slices, a sprinkling of sea salt and basil...delicious!


*a computer "assistant" who helps me write my blog!

*a lunchtime visit with my Aunt who is here from Ohio. She's one of my favorite shopping companions so I can't wait to hit the thrift stores with her!



*a huge surprise when my dear old friend arrived at my doorstep with his entire family! N and I have been friends for many years, since our Junior year of high school, yet his military career has taken him far away from me. *sniff* I hadn't seen him in 10 years, hadn't even met two of his children, so it was a wonderful evening indeed!